Holiday Headaches
by unjaundiced
Summary: Set just after the first movie, Ninja Clash in the Land of Snow. Kakashi inflicts himself upon Iruka for the year-end festivities and invites Sasuke and Naruto for the ride. Poor guy.
1. Oh, Christmas Tree

Semi-not-really holiday crack. Twelve days of Christmas starts... NOW!

Title :: Oh, Tree

Rating :: PG [for violent thoughts]

Summary :: Set just after the first movie, Ninja Clash in the Land of Snow. Kakashi learns about a Western holiday and decides to inflict it upon his friend Iruka. Poor guy.

* * *

Iruka adjusted the strap on his satchel and sighed, tugging up the worn edge of his scarf at the same time. It wasn't an unusually cold December, but it was unseasonably damp. The air itself had a wet chill that clung to clothes and snuck into boots to cast a cold shadow over unsuspecting toes. All in all, it was a bit disconcerting and not at all welcome. All he really wanted to do after a long day of settling mud fights and issuing out someone's twisted ideals of detention ̶─not his, honest! Ibiki was the one who set the disciplinary measures. He called it "character building"─ was go home and indulge in a hot cup of tea. He could almost smell the earthy aroma of the delicate tea leaves, feel the warmth of the cup in his hands. He smiled and picked up his pace, happy to escape the outdoors.

The day hadn't been all bad. It had been a good normal day in class. Konohamaru had been trying to cut a hole in the side wall to create a hidden escape portal while Udon had sniffled and stuttered something or other. Hanabi had just ignored the world as usual, pinning Iruka with that somber and unsettling stare of hers. To be honest, Konohamaru probably would have made good his escape, so entranced was Iruka with telling himself that he was indeed _not_ afraid of a nine-year-old girl, except that Naruto had chosen that very moment to make a very loud and very obvious return from his month long mission to Snow Country by barreling in through the door bearing souvenirs of some actress─princess─actress-princess─some person that Iruka didn't know─ and screaming Konohamaru's name which had immediately reminded Iruka that his new number one problem student needed to be checked on at least once every half-minute; a fact he had rectified with a terrific vengeance.

Seeing Naruto back safe and made Iruka feel warm and fuzzy for approximately 1.3 seconds. That was how long it took for the first mud ball to fly. Apparently Naruto had also brought back souvenir _snow_ which had melted and turned to water, which in turn he'd decided to mix with some souvenir _dirt_ to save on space and had decided to deliver first class express courier mail-nin style to the back of Konohamaru's head. The rest of the day had descended into chaos until a screaming Sakura and grumbling Sasuke had appeared to whisk away their suddenly endangered teammate as Iruka had met the last leg of his less than legendary patience and issued a third-class detention on everyone in the room─toilet scrubbing with boar-bristle brushes. The students had to catch the boar and make the brush handles first.

That being said, Iruka decided to overlook the fact that the doorknob to his flat turned a little too easily under his hand. He let his eyes slide over the familiar and uninvited pair of boots that sat neatly in the genkan. He serenely ignored the battered rucksack that leaned against the umbrella rack, Konoha standard beige scarf draped neatly over the rounded handles of the umbrellas, dripping as it released its damp onto his nicely polished wood floor. He tried his best to ignore the odd trail of pine needles that speckled a trail down the hall as he bent to unzip his boots. He left his satchel next to the rucksack and padded down the hallway in his socks, careful to avoid the litter. He made it all the way to his main living area where the sharp smell of pine wafted through the air and smacked him in the face. He blinked at the squat kuromatsu now sitting happily in his home, branches quivering as it lazed about in its pot. At its base, a familiar bushy head of gray hair waved back and forth as Kakashi engaged in some rather lively conversation with his new tree friend.

Iruka turned around, made his way back to the doorway, slipped on his boots and left. Five minutes later, something akin to a typhoon tore through Training Ground #32 and passing ANBU made a report that a demon had been sighted in the area. The raccoons living at the fringes of the training ground's clearing learned to fear scarecrows and pine trees for the rage they instilled in Academy instructors.

Iruka returned home in a state approaching the serenity of an enlightened bosatsu. Passing villagers bowed to him in greeting, choosing to say nothing of the wood splinters that speckled his hair. He passed Kurenai who was busy not-being-seen with Asuma and did not greet them or look startled when Kurenai did not point out the smear of mud that streaked defiantly across his right cheek. He also did not see Ebisu shadowing him from a crafty distance, muttering to himself all the while. The whole journey home was a bit of a blur anyhow.

The doorknob still turned easily under his hand, a good thing since Iruka had left without the key. The uninvited visitor's boots were still in the genkan, battered rucksack still keeping his worn-looking satchel company. Kakashi's scarf still dripped upon his floor with blatant determination to do water damage to its innocent victim. The needles still marked an epileptic trail down the hallway and the smell of pine was a little more distinct. He sighed in resignation and toed off his boots before making his way back to his newly adorned living area.

"─really is a good person. I'm telling you now. You'll like it here," Kakashi was saying as Iruka came around the corner and gaped. There were practice weapons of all sorts laid out on tables and books, all excessively tiny; the ones used to acquaint toddlers with their coming tools of trade.

"Kakashi-sensei," Iruka barked out unintentionally, wincing as his cool slipped.

"Iruka-sensei! Okaeri!" Kakashi waved a blunt miniature kunai in his general direction. Next to him, Ukki-san shook its leaves in accord.

"Kakashi-sensei. How many times have I told you─ Breaking and entering someone's home without permission for a social visit is considered a crime in most places." Iruka sighed. It was a well-visited topic of conversation.

"I didn't break anything," Kakashi pouted. "I have a key."

"_Stealing_ a key from me to make a copy is _also_ normally considered a crime among friends," Iruka grumbled as he crossed his arms and glared as menacingly as he could. Kakashi only arched his eye in that odd smile of his.

"I'm glad we are such close friends then, Iruka-sensei." He smiled before gesturing broadly at the kuromatsu politely awaiting introduction. "This is Shisha-kun. Greet him properly so he feels welcome."

Iruka grit his teeth at being ordered around in his own home. He chose to ignore the quivering pine for a moment and addressed his attention to Kakashi who was busy juggling tiny dull shuriken at that point.

"What did I tell you about bringing friends of Ukki-san's over here? Why are _you_ even here!"

"Ah, so we've reached the crux of the problem. If I tell you, will you greet Shisha-kun properly? You're making him feel bad," Kakashi murmured thoughtfully as he patted at the trunk of the pine.

"Do go on," Iruka ground out, feeling his patience bleed away with every word.

"You see, there was this mission to Snow," Kakashi began obliquely as he began to hook tiny caltrops on Shisha-kun's branches.

"Yes, you were just on it. I _know_. I had the mud balls to prove it."

"Mud... what?" Kakashi blinked. "Well that would explain your face."

"My... My face?" Iruka turned with a slow-dawning horror to a rather convenient mirror hanging on one of the hallway walls, just at an angle to eliminate the blind corner leading towards his room. It was then that he realised just how much of a crisis-refugee look he had adopted. Wood splinters and shattered leaves nested in his hair as if a crazed sparrow had decided to make house. Mud streaked across his cheeks in savage tribal markings. Spatters of red river clay clung to his vest like clotted blood. Grey clay silt was starting to set in as a rather cakey powder on his jumper turning it a rather attractive grey-blue.

"I'm guessing no one mentioned it to you, hm?" Kakashi appeared over Iruka's shoulder in the mirror as he blandly cataloged the damage.

"I'm blaming today on you," Iruka shouted accusingly as he strode off towards the bathroom to wash his face and upgrade his appearance to that of someone who was helping refugees rather than being one himself. Kakashi just smiled and waved at his retreating back, chuckling with smug self-satisfaction.

Somewhere between the soap and the water, Iruka forgot that he was irritated with Kakashi and his uninvited visitations as he mentally retraced his footsteps and tried to remember who had seen him looking like an escapee from the bowels of T&I's psych ward. He had been staring blankly at the mirror over the sink long enough that the water dried on his skin and Kakashi made his way back to see what was taking him.

"The living room's on fire," Kakashi muttered. Iruka jerked and pushed past him in startled worry. A pair of rather happy plants shook at in him greeting as he bustled into the living room.

"Just joking," Kakashi sing-songed as he wandered by. Iruka glared a violent doom at his back, vividly imagining impalement by sharp and pointy objects.

"You still haven't told me about the tree," he muttered in aggravated annoyance as he crouched by Shisha-kun to inspect the preening tree.

"Maa, it has to do with Snow, if you would be so kind as to avoid further interruption," Kakashi murmured, oblivious to the glare Iruka shot his way. "Did you know there's something called 'Christmas' in another country?"

"'Christmas'? Is that a place in Rain?" Iruka wracked his brain for a reference.

"No, no. 'Christmas' is apparently an introduction of those foreign traders that come in off the coast of Wave. Jesuit missionaries have really taken hold along the borders of Snow and 'Christmas' is some holiday of theirs that takes place around this time of year, starting today apparently. It involves a lot of singing and pine trees. It's a little weird, but Naruto really liked the snacks they made. They make something called ginger bread, which Naruto liked a lot, but I couldn't find any ginger in it.

"In any case. It looked like it would be a lot of fun─ something different anyway. So... I found Shisha-kun in the Forest of Death and decided to share with you. You like learning about new things, right?" Kakashi had the nerve to look proud of himself. Iruka gaped for a moment, then sighed. There was no following Kakashi's logic. His excuses had excuses which had kage-passes for higher levels of classified excuses.

"That doesn't explain all of this," he gestured at the array of miniature weaponry. "Part of 'Christmas' is teaching small children? Is there an agility test?"

"Ah... That's for Shisha-kun. He wanted to look pretty."

Iruka sighed in a much-aggrieved manner as Kakashi pressed a steaming cup of tea from who knows where into his hands. He should have known better than to ask a jounin. At least he finally had his tea.

"By the way," he murmured, drowsily sedated by his new leafy love. "If your scarf damages my floor at all, I'll tear your intestines out as a demonstration to other jounin and use them to decorate Shisha-kun for Christmas."

He received no response, but a swift displacement of air and the sudden appearance of said damp scarf hanging on the indoor laundry line over the ofuro made him smile.

* * *

**NOTES**

_**Genkan**_ (玄関) are traditional Japanese entryway areas for a house, apartment, or building—something of a combination of a porch and a doormat

Kuromatsu – _**Pinus thunbergii**_ (Syn: _Pinus thunbergiana_; English: Japanese Black Pine, Japanese Pine, Black Pine; Chinese: 黑松 ; Japanese: Kuromatsu; 黒松) is a pine native to coastal areas of Japan (Kyūshū, Shikoku and Honshū, but not Hokkaidō) and South Korea.

Bosatsu – Japanese for Bodhisattva [an enlightened Buddha more or less]

Shisha- 使者 means "emissary" or "envoy". Essentially a messenger.

Okaerinasai - "Welcome back" but more of a standard response to "tadaima" or "I'm back". Both don't really mean those things so much as they are something one says when returning [home] even if there is no one else present.

Ofuro – a deep tub either with a shower attachment or next to a tiled platform where showers are taken.


	2. God Bless Ye Merry Gentlemen

Day two of this consecutive posting attempt.

**Title ::** God Bless Ye, Merry Gingerbread  
**Rating ::** PG [for more semi-violent interactions]  
**Summary :**: Kakashi ruins Iruka's day off by pestering him to help him make gingerbread using a recipe he got from a Snow Country child, which they learn the hard way is not ginger and bread mixed together. What's missing? Any kind of success.

* * *

Iruka was sitting at his kotatsu staring moodily at the tree seated across the room in its delicately glazed Raku pot. Its sheer _presence_ was ruining his mood and his day off. The early morning sunlight slanted its yellowed beams in to cast a charming glow over the various miniature weaponry that decorated the kuromatsu. The snowy white caltrops made of bone caught the light and gave the tree a snow-dusted look. The dull edges of children's weaponry turned a soft gold and might have been utterly charming if Iruka wasn't just so _annoyed_ by the man who'd brought the poor innocent tree specimen in from the wet and abandoned it in his home.

Shisha-kun shivered its needles as a faint breeze whispered in through a crack between the window and the sill. A moment later a knock sounded once before the window was swung wide open and a lanky shinobi hopped in, grey hair wildly tousled from the breeze that danced in around him, discarded boots clutched in one hand, soles respectfully covered with bags to preserve the floor. Ukki-san fit itself neatly in the neck of one of the boot tops and waggled its leaves in greeting. Iruka clutched his tea cup resolutely and refused to acknowledge his recent visitor. Instead he chose to speak to the tree.

"I'd like to enjoy my one day off for the week. Can't you grant me just that one kindness? All I want to do is lie down and take a long nap," he grumbled. Shisha-kun waggled its needles in sympathy.

"Maa, Iruka-sensei. One might feel unwelcome if you talk like that," the visitor whined as he carefully lay an oddly bulging cloth shopping bag on the kotatsu. Iruka refused to rise to the bait.

"It's not that I mind, so much that it is that I've been _waiting_ for this day all week. It's just been that kind of a time," he went on, ignoring the bag lying in front of him in a seductive and enticing manner. He sipped at his tea as Shisha-kun's top branches waved sympathetically in a sudden gust that danced into the room.

"If you don't want to help me then I guess I'll just have to find Naruto and let him know you want him to come over and help you keep busy," the visitor hummed in an obnoxiously smug tone. Iruka muttered something indistinct under his breath and leveled a gimlet stare at the man.

"What. Do. You. Want," he grit out. "I can tell by the shopping bag that you are up to no good and intend to involve me."

Kakashi beamed back, practically aglow with an odd inner peace and sense of goodwill towards all mankind. It was probably one of his famed thousand jutsu and Iruka was not fooled. "It's for a good cause, Iruka-sensei. I thought we'd make Naruto some of those ginger bread things he likes so much."

"... He's just pestering you about training again and you don't want to do it, right," Iruka deadpanned. Kakashi's false aura of light and love dissipated immediately.

"Too cruel. Iruka-sensei is too cruel," he muttered without heat. He scrubbed a little awkwardly at the back of his head. "But, you're right as always."

"At least you took off your shoes before entering this time," Iruka conceded, choosing a rather tactful, he thought, change of subject. "The door is on the other side of the house though. Remember it."

Kakashi looked regretful in the most insincere manner a one-eyed man could. "Ah well, you know. Door. Window. All these square holes look the same when you're wandering the road of—"

"Life. I know. I don't care about your overall roundness in the square hole that is the rest of the world. Remember where the door is and use it." Iruka glared once more for good measure, downed the last bitter dregs of his tea and sighed. "So how do we make this ginger bread?"

"Mix whatever is in the bag together," Kakashi responded immediately. Iruka could have punched him for being so unhelpful.

"Do you have a _recipe_? A video of someone making ginger bread? A step by step flip book? Stone tablets from an ancient monk? A child's handwritten instructions? Anything would be good right now." Iruka was missing the soothing heat of his tea already.

"Ah... yes. Yes! I have that," Kakashi chirped happily, reaching into his weapons pouch and pulling out a rather worn copy of _Icha Icha Paradise_. Iruka eyed the book doubtfully.

"I really hope you didn't get this ginger bread idea from _that_," he muttered reproachfully. Kakashi immediately shook his head.

"Not at all. The recipe is _in_ the book. More specifically..." he flipped the book open single-handedly and held it out so Iruka could see the bookmark he was using; a piece of paper with what appeared to be a childish scrawl of a list. He sighed. Of course he would.

Iruka gingerly took the bookmark and put his best cryptology skills to work deciphering the mess as Kakashi took it upon himself to greet Shisha-kun and leave Ukki-san to greet its friend as he removed his boots to the genkan where they belonged. Iruka was busy congratulating himself on having figured out what the scribbles were supposed to have said by the time the jounin returned though he wasn't sure what 'molasses' was or if he'd guessed right.

"Kakashi-sensei, is this recipe from a child," he mumbled around the pencil top he'd tucked between his lips. Silence greeted him and he slid a suspicious glance toward his friend. A slightly confused look danced across Kakashi's face.

"Did you even _read_ this? I'm assuming you couldn't. This," Iruka poked at a particularly large scrawl on the paper, "says to add a 'large heap of love'. Unless that's code for a type of spice, I don't think that's possible."

"Maa, sensei. Between the two of us, I'm sure we could conjure up several large heaps of 'love'," Kakashi purred, equilibrium restored.

"No. I don't think so." Iruka's response was flat and immediate. "Especially not if it's for Naruto."

Kakashi didn't appear to be too broken up over the rejection as he began to inspect and remove articles from the shopping sack as if it had been Iruka, not he, that brought it over. Iruka rolled his eyes and inspected the various bottles and boxes now decorating his table: mochiko flour, a large ginger root, a bundle of rolled cinnamon sticks from the international market, a cone of salt, a dark yellow block of rich and very expensive, little available butter, a jar of strange brownish crystalline rocks, another jar, this filled with dark golden honey, a real rarity at this time of year and about as expensive as the butter, and a jar filled with what appeared to be water. Iruka frowned slightly, holding up the scrawled ginger bread recipe and darting looks between the collection of things on the tabletop and the paper. He raised a brow as Kakashi pulled the last item from the bag and put it on the table: a spool of sheeted steel rolled paper thin.

"Kakashi-sensei, are you certain we can put mochiko flour in the oven? I don't understand. And why did you bring honey? ...and," Iruka poked a finger at the glass jar that may or may not have contained water. "Water? And why did you bring rocks?"

"So many questions, sensei. The recipe calls for flour and I don't know of any flour other than mochiko flour so I'm assuming that's what the kid meant. I've never made ginger bread before, but Naruto wouldn't shut up about in on the whole way back and I noticed Sasuke running off into the bushes fairly regularly and coming back smelling like ginger and cinnamon so I'm assuming they all like it." Kakashi shrugged. Iruka nodded thoughtfully at that. He also knew of the Uchiha's semi-secret love of sweets.

"As for the honey... someone told me that molasses was a kind of sweet syrup that comes from sugar, but we don't have that here so I assume honey is a good substitute. The 'rocks' are sugar crystals Gai," Kakashi shuddered slightly. "brought back as a souvenir from Thunder Country. They weren't that big before but it seems that he let them sit too long. Nobody knew what to do with them. Neat huh? It's not very sweet so I can't imagine how molasses is sweet. Honey is obviously better."

Iruka nodded in agreement. He'd never liked syrup much anyhow, though Kotetsu was absolutely addicted to the stuff. He preferred the deep subtle sweet of honey. He shook the bottle of sugar rocks curiously and hmmed thoughtfully. "What about the water?"

"Ah, it's from Jiraiya. He brought some soda water from a spring he ran across while doing 'research'. It bubbles!" Kakashi jiggled the bottle lightly and tiny bubbles formed along the inside of the glass before detaching and floating lazily to the surface. "If you bake soda... That's baking soda, right?"

Something about that argument was really off but Iruka couldn't find the point to argue so he let it slide. This ginger bread thing was sounding like more work than it was worth. He thought of Naruto's sunny face and sighed in defeat. How could he say no?

"Naruto and Sasuke have some very expensive stomachs if they like this 'ginger bread'. I don't think we should make this for them after this," he muttered. "Okay, let's do this if we're going to do this."

Kakashi beamed, swept the whole mess back into the shopping sack, caught hold of Iruka's arm and dragged him towards the kitchen, not even allowing him to get his feet under himself. Ukki-san and Shisha-kun sat in the living room in stunned silence; forgotten.

The poor kitchen had never met such a violence as Kakashi and Iruka trying to discover the fine art of baking without so much as a crash course and only a child's scribbled instructions to go by, not to mention the rather creative ingredients changes induced by Kakashi.

The mochiko flour was so fine it sent up a cloud that coated everything on and around Iruka when Kakashi dumped cups of it into a bowl. The jounin, of course, managed to dodge the clothes-seeking powder and remained the only spotless thing in the room. He was not, however, fast enough to avoid Iruka's retaliatory hands and still ended up covered in flour in the form of hand prints on his mask's cheeks and smeared across the front of his jumper.

The cinnamon was also almost a disaster as the recipe had called for "ground cinnamon" and Kakashi had only bought a bundle of sticks, not thinking that Iruka might not have a spice grinder. The jounin had assured his friend that he would be able to grind it, even without a grinder, and had proceeded to hack wildly at it with a knife stolen from the drawer. The cinnamon had ended up... well, ground, Iruka supposed. There might have been bits of cutting board mixed in with it as well. Neither of them could tell and Kakashi had dumped the whole mess in with the flour before he could be stopped. The whole process was confusing to begin with and Iruka couldn't be bothered to mind much past a few weak protests.

Iruka had been shaving a measure of salt off the cone with a paring knife when he realised Kakashi was about to use a stone pestle to smash butter into a cup to gain the proper measure. He immediately traded positions and declared firmly that there would be no smashing of anything near anything breakable of his, super elite jounin of a thousand jutsu or no. That being said, he'd been a little startled when, moments later, Kakashi started pounding wildly away at a measure of rock sugar in the mortar with the sugar jar and had been forced to do a bit of violent intervention that ended with Kakashi and himself squaring off on opposite ends of the kitchen threatening each other with spoons while the Sharingan spun with quiet menace as Kakashi tried to genjutsu him into thinking he was an orange.

A few bruises and rather aggressive spoon-sparring bouts over whether or not there seemed to be too much spice— Iruka was almost certain that soup spoons were not the proper meaning of "teaspoon", whatever that was— later and they finally managed to mix all the ingredients and hovered over the bowl frowning at the soupy unappetizing mess that nested therein. There seemed to be a pale and gritty stew in the bowl and Iruka felt vaguely ill just looking at it. Kakashi would have denied it until the very last page was torn viciously from his most precious edition of _Icha Icha Playdate_ but he also felt a little ill at the sight of the mixture.

"Well, that would explain the cookie cutters," he muttered under his breath as he tried to will back dry heaves.

"What," Iruka muttered dumbly, still entranced by the bowl that almost seemed to be _bubbling_ as random bursts of carbon dioxide pushed towards the surface.

"Cookie cutters," Kakashi muttered trying not to inhale too deeply, holding up the spool of steel sheet. "The kid said you're supposed to make shapes with them."

"Makes sense," Iruka muttered back, also trying to breathe lightly just in case he _upset_ the possibly living thing in front of him. "It'll hold the goop in long enough to cook."

"Right," Kakashi muttered again, backing slowly away from the bowl. "So let's just let it be for a little bit, ne?"

"Of course. Leave it be. Sounds good." Iruka slunk with him.

They were much better with the steel; bending, cutting, and crimping like professionals. They got creative with the shapes: forming leaping ninjas, choko, shuriken and kunai, Konoha leaf shapes, Uzumaki swirls, dango, and even a few shogi tiles complete with kanjji insets to mark their positions. Kakashi also made a dolphin, just for kicks, and Iruka a scarecrow in retaliation. They hovered over their creations in the living room, showing them off to Shisha-kun and Ukki-san who almost seemed proud, neither wanting to admit his apprehension over returning to deal with the _thing_ currently living in the kitchen.

When they finally ran out of things to mindlessly congratulate themselves about, they returned to the kitchen with all the enthusiasm of death-sentence victims. The mixture in the bowl had thickened some and seemed to have _grown_ a bit.

"I think it's supposed to do that," Kakashi murmured to himself, sounding far from certain. "The kid said it would rise."

"I think it's _breathing_," Iruka grunted, daring to poke at a pillowy lump of soupy dough, jerking back as it deflated a little.

"Then we should kill it now," Kakashi responded, advancing with grim determination.

It was a sticky struggle to pour the mixture into their "cookie cutter" molds and another argument/spoon fight broke out over how high to fill them. They both ended up spattered with dough mixture after they'd disagreed about how to deal with possible sticking during cooking. Kakashi seemed to think mixing more butter with the dough soup would keep it from sticking to the flat metal sheet they'd found. Iruka was inclined to disagree and had expressed his disagreement by lobbing a gob of dough which started another small war.

It wasn't until after they'd managed to get rid of all the dough that Kakashi noticed the large ginger root sitting curiously unmolested on the counter. A very bad feeling wriggled around in his stomach before working up to his brain to knock and deliver a message that he would soon be dead and better luck next life. The bad feeling became even more lively as Iruka's eyes locked on the suspiciously innocent looking root.

"Kakashi-sensei," he growled, sounding impossibly frustrated.

"Ah, Iruka-sensei..." Kakashi seemed unable to control his mouth. "It looks like I brought you a ninja ginger!"

"Shut up and chop it up!" Iruka pointed imperiously at the unsuspecting root.

"Yes, sensei," Kakashi muttered glumly as he dispatched the poor thing with extreme prejudice.

In the end they'd sort of swirled ginger bits in the the mixture as it lay in the molds and hoped it was enough. Kakashi insisted that more ginger would be better considering that it was called "_ginger_ bread". All in all, the mixture was looking a bit dodgy anyhow and Iruka really didn't want to feed it to Naruto, not even considering the boy's cast iron stomach. He couldn't get over the feeling that they'd done something very wrong a _long_ way back.

Fifteen minutes later and the two shinobi found themselves staring at ginger bread that had definitely less _risen_ and more _pflopped_. There was no other way to describe it. It looked a little like a squishy deflated balloon had descended upon the molds on the sheet.

"Back in the oven," Kakashi announced. Iruka agreed. Kakashi slid the sheet back onto the oven rack and they hied themselves back to the living room for a continuation of their rousing game of Battleship Shogi. Iruka, impossibly and unforgivably, was winning.

Another fifteen minutes, three breaks to check on the oven, and eight accusations of cheating by both parties and the sheet was out again. The ginger bread didn't look as pflopped as before, but it didn't look great either. It was powdery and flaky on the outside, slightly damp and chewy looking on the inside, and generally _hairy_ and _chunky_ from all the ginger bits. It smelled spicy from the ginger, rich from the cinnamon, and a thick kind of sweet from the honey which had separated and crystallized during the baking process and formed a candied caramel-like crust along the rims of the molds.

"Well, jounin first," Iruka chirped, all fake smiles and devilish innocence.

"You are too kind," Kakashi muttered, gingerly breaking the leg off a rather puffy looking ninja bread man. "YOU FIRST," he shouted suddenly, shoving the leg into Iruka's mouth as he sputtered and tried to escape.

The ginger bread sort of dissolved into gritty particles as it met Iruka's tongue, the heat from the ginger bits spreading like bitter fire through his mouth. The burn of charred and overcooked sugars chased the heat, sharp hot spikes of cinnamon cresting the overall wave of oral torture. The center of the leg resisted the dissolution of the rest of its parts and stayed resolutely whole, a sticky disc of dense matter in his mouth. He spat it out without remorse.

"We—" He stuck his face under the tap and gulped water desperately before withdrawing for a breath, shaking his now wet head in denial. "We messed up somewhere. That's not food. That's _torture_!"

Kakashi stared at him with a tense expression of vague horror, eye darting towards the faucet and back to Iruka who looked befuddled, then smug.

"HAH! You tried it too, but you don't want to show your face, so you can't wash out your mouth!" Iruka crossed his arms and blocked the sink. "Serves you right!"

Kakashi's eye narrowed briefly as he brought his hand up to the edge of his mask. Iruka's smug smile faltered and his breath hitched in surprise. Would he really? The next instant, he found himself several feet away and facing the wall, one of Kakashi's hands gently holding the nape of his neck as the jounin gulped water just as greedily as he had. He fought down a blush as Kakashi's fingers seemed to sear his skin.

"I won't look," he grumbled, batting at the hand.

"Pah! That was unfortunate," Kakashi spat from behind him, grip unrelenting. "We should give these to Ibiki."

"I think that's considered cruel and unusual punishment," Iruka mourned. "Maybe we can just bury them in the Forest of Death under cover of night. No one would ever have to know."

A knock came at the door just then and Kakashi's hand was gone. Iruka spun and heard the door opening, Sakura's high-pitched voice calling out a greeting.

"—enai-sensei gave me some gingerbread she got from an ambassador to Snow after an escort mission. I don't want Naruto to think I _like_ him or anything, but I know he _really_ likes this kind of thing. Just don't tell him it was from me! I don't want Sasuke-kun to get jealous!" The genin blushed and giggled to herself as Kakashi nodded in that vague I-don't-know-how-to-deal-with-children way of his.

"Sakura-chan, welcome," Iruka called out as he walked down the hallway. "I was wondering. What _is_ this 'gingerbread' thing anyhow?"

"Oh, Iruka-sensei! Kakashi-sensei said you were busy grading papers. You are such a workaholic," Sakura scolded.

"Yes well, things seem to... pop up," Iruka glanced meaningfully at Kakashi who put on his most innocent expression.

"Gingerbread is a spice bread. It's only made with a little ginger, but you can't actually taste it. You can make cookies with it too, but I'm not really sure what those are. Bread is something they like to eat in Snow Country though. You should try it sometime! It's really good!" Sakura beamed.

"I see. So it's 'gingerbread', not 'ginger and spiced bread'. That helps immensely." He glared at Kakashi who suddenly looked as if he was going to start making excuses to get himself lost on the road of life.

"Iruka-sensei?" The girl looked worried.

"It's nothing! Go visit Sasuke-kun now. I'm sure he'll really appreciate the company," Iruka smiled, shooing her off.

"Eh... We can still use the cutters on _this_ gingerbread," Kakashi ventured once the door closed.

"Nothing will give me back my day off, Kakashi-sensei," Iruka shouted, throwing one of their unfortunate ginger bread failures at the jounin's head. "How could you ask a five-year-old for cooking instructions in the first place!"

"Hey," Kakashi yelped as he dodged. "You didn't exactly stop me! You're an accomplice!"

In the end, Kakashi and Iruka, both a lot worse for wear, leaned on each other and limped to Naruto's place with a package of gingerbread in the form of ninjas and Konoha leaves and Uzumaki swirls and other things. A less than savory package of their failure was left on Ibiki's desk which thrilled him to no end when he came back from a late lunch and he immediately shared his newfound source of joy with some rather unfortunate interrogation trainees. He always enjoyed discovering new sources of torture.

* * *

**NOTES**  
Real gingerbread ingredients flour, ginger, cinnamon, salt, shortening [butter], brown sugar, molasses, baking soda, warm water; love, not necessarily required and completely optional, though strongly suggested in many cases

**Raku-yaki (楽焼), or Raku ware**, is a type of Japanese pottery that is traditionally and primarily used in the Japanese tea ceremony in Japan, most often in the form of tea bowls. It is traditionally characterized by hand-molding of the clay as opposed to turning it on a potter's wheel, resulting in each piece being "one-of-a-kind"; low firing temperatures (resulting in a fairly porous body); lead glazes; and the removal of pieces from the kiln while still glowing hot. In the traditional Japanese firing process, the fired Raku piece is removed from the hot kiln and put directly into water or allowed to cool in the open air.

**Caltrops** – ninja tools strewn across the floor or other areas where one wants to hinder passage and may be made of glass, bone, ivory, metal, and less commonly, plastic and wood. [i.e. similar to jacks or tacks]

**Mochiko** (sweet rice flour) is made from sweet rice, also known as glutinous rice. It's powdery and can basically only be used to fry or be reconstituted with water to make mochi [basically chewy rice balls] and can't be baked without either turning powdery or densely chewy. There are pastries that can be made from it but they are usually thin and bean or cream filled.


	3. Let It Snow

Day 3 of these shenanigans. I hope I can make it until the end!

Title :: Why is There Snow?  
Rating :: PG  
Summary :: A winter storm blows through Konoha and Kakashi invades Iruka's home to steal his place at the kotatsu. He invites Naruto and Sasuke as part of his invasion team and brings... CHOCOLATE! This time, they get it mostly right.

* * *

Iruka blustered through the door, snow flurries bursting in around him on cold fingers that clutched at his clothes and whipped his hair into a wild tangle. Halfway home from the Academy, a light drizzle had given way to grey bombshells of watery sleet which had soon morphed into white flakes that promised a winter wonderland of more trampled mud and dingy slush piles. He had not been amused at the orphan wind that seemed to follow him the whole way home, chasing him down the street, in and out of doorways, stealing conversations he tried to have as he passed by people he knew. A particularly strong gust had pushed between his legs, startling him and sending Ebisu-sensei toppling into a particularly grungy looking pile of grey-brown snow, though what the tokubetsu jounin had been doing crouched under the tangerine stand Iruka had been standing next to was beyond him—probably putting the "tokubetsu" in "tokubetsu jounin".

The loose tail of his scarf came loose and danced around his head before smacking him wetly across the eyes as he put all his weight into forcing the door closed. The wind seemed to toy with him, swelling and receding like the chest of a giant beast, pushing back strongest when he shoved the hardest. He grumbled under his breath as he felt one of his boots slip, slick from the mud, found purchase and gathered himself to heave one last time. Suddenly the wind reversed itself and with a great sucking gasp, the door slammed shut and Iruka fell forward.

"This weather is more moody than Anko when dango isn't in season anymore," he muttered to himself as he gingerly tugged off his boots.

The floor was a wreck of mud tracks and slides, puddles of water from melting snow, and the severed head of a ninja gingerbread man he and Kakashi had cut from the gingerbread Sakura had given them for Naruto rested at the foot of the umbrella stand, staring accusingly with sakura mochi eyes—eye rather. Kakashi had eaten the other on the way out the door.

To say that Naruto had been lucky to have gotten any gingerbread at all was an understatement. Kakashi had made the inarguable point—indeed all of his points seemed to be inarguable, no matter how unreasonable they seemed—that they should be allowed to sample what the result of their hard work _should_ have been. That had led them to nibbling on the spare bits of gingerbread left over from trimming the molds, then to consuming the shapes that were probably not Naruto-appropriate— like the choko shapes, _Icha Icha_ book shapes, and a katana shape that, when cut, squashed the haft section of the gingerbread so that it looked a little more like a part of male anatomy than a sword and Iruka was determined that Naruto would _not_ go around telling everyone that his beloved Iruka-sensei had given him a delicious _chinko_!

They'd gone so overboard with their _sampling_ and _taste testing_ that they'd had to fill the holes they'd rat-bitten out of "safe" gingerbread with random snacks from the cupboard and had gone overboard yet again competing to see who could make better looking designs. It didn't help when Kakashi, for some reason, had suddenly found himself with a voracious sweet tooth and had horded all the puffed kinako and senbei that Iruka had been busy snacking on. The rather shameful game of jan-ken-po they'd ended up playing to determine who would get to eat the snacks had been pathetically one sided when Iruka realised Kakashi was cheating with his Sharingan and had decided to end the shenanigans by simply _sitting_ on the jounin while he'd made outrageously joyful sounds as he ate the kinako puffs one by one, moaning as each melted on his tongue. He'd been surprised by how quickly Kakashi had given up at that moment, though he'd retaliated by sneaking bits of sweets from the gingerbread when he thought Iruka wasn't looking.

Iruka smiled slightly as he reached down to pick up the one-eyed gingerbread head, brows crinkling in confusion as the floor moved beneath his boot. The tiled floor shifted and wrinkled as he shifted his foot back and forth and he frowned as he tossed the gingerbread head up and down thoughtfully. He spotted the loose corner of patterned oilcloth curling up from where it had been nestled against the wall and snorted. Kakashi had covered the tile flooring of the genkan with something that _looked_ like tile flooring to protect the _existing_ tile flooring from getting dirty. His day was looking better already.

Iruka thanked the gingerbread head that reminded him of Kakashi, folded the soiled cloth around his boots to contain the mud and padded gingerly down the cold hallway in damp feet, wet socks clutched in one hand, gingerbread head Kakashi in the other.

Shisha-kun and Ukki-san, whom Kakashi decided should stay with his friend, wriggled in greeting as he entered the room, sending dim shards of light flashing across the room as the miniature weaponry moved. On the broad spread of Shisha-kun's branches, a little gingerbread scarecrow and dolphin danced together. The jounin couldn't bake for all the books in the _Icha Icha_ franchise, but he could dry, preserve, and poison foodstuffs with the best of them. The little "gingerbread friends", as he'd taken to calling them, would be together forever (and keep Shisha-kun and Ukki-san company when they were away at work).

"Tadaima, boys," Iruka waved towards the plants, nodding the gingerbread head Kakashi as well. It was comforting to have someone to return home to, even if that someone was a tree and a possible-shrub-aspiring-to-be-a-tree.

He lay his socks and scarf over the grille of the space heater to dry a little and hung his damp vest on the line above that. He turned on the electric kettle he kept on the ground next to the kotatsu, stripped off his satchel and prepared to sit. A distant knock stopped him short and he sighed, rising from his half-crouch.

"I'm coming," he called, retracing his footsteps and grimacing at the tacky feeling of his feet meeting the floor. He braced himself for the rush of cold he knew would follow as he opened the door. Kakashi stood across the threshold, another suspicious cloth bag in his arms as he smiled innocently. "No." He shut the door again.

Half a second later, an odd feeling niggled to the surface as he realised he hadn't heard the semi-standard protest he'd expected and he wrenched the door open again just in time to watch a puff of fog and snowflakes dissipate. A clone!

"Kakashi-sensei," he shouted, already turning and running back towards the living room, door slamming shut as the greedy wind snatched it closed behind him.

The jounin in question was just making a perfect 3-point landing from the window, setting his boots in the empty box left over from Sakura's gingerbread when Iruka slipped on a stray sock, skidded past the living room doorway, and went crashing into the wall at the end of the hall. The chuunin crawled back, panting as he waved the sock like a madman.

"Your sock! Why is it on my floor! And the door! USE THE DOOR," he shouted, not knowing what it was he was really annoyed about.

"Maa, sensei, I _did_ come to the door. You _saw_ me," Kakashi shrugged, eye widening at the sight of Iruka's hair.

"Using a clone to knock on the door so you can sneak in through the window is _not_ the same as actually _using_ it," Iruka accused, still waving the sock around. "And your sock!"

"Thank you for that," Kakashi chirped, snatching the sock from Iruka's menacing grip. "It's always so nice when you do my laundry for me."

Iruka glared a thousand imaginative deaths at the jounin. Kakashi smiled nervously, casting about for a distraction. "Ah, nice hairdo. It's... unique."

Iruka's eyes widened and he scrambled towards the bathroom shouting, "What is it _this_ time!".

Kakashi smirked at his horrified cries, gleefully settling himself in the space Iruka had been about to occupy before the untimely interruption. He wiggled his fingers at Shisha-kun and Ukki-san who waved back as a breeze swept in through the window. He frowned, stood again and went to close the window. He _did_ have manners after all.

"A nest. It was a bird's nest again," Iruka mumbled as he wandered back in scrubbing a towel over his head, oblivious to Kakashi happily nesting himself in _his_ preferred spot at the kotatsu. He blindly made his way to where he had been about to sit before, bent his knees, sighed, and found himself in someone's lap. He froze, fingers twitching in the towel.

Iruka sat in numb silence for a moment, mesmerized by the breathing next to him. He tensed as he felt Kakashi shift against his side, arms moving. He panicked and tried to think of something calm and unaffected to say but the time for that had already passed and he was still sitting like a kind of idiot in Kakashi's lap with his hands holding a towel over his head. He opened his mouth to speak when he felt fingers close around his wrists. He battled slightly as Kakashi tried to pull his arms down and lost.

He was still gaping like a dead fish when the towel came down, pulling damp strands of hair with it. Kakashi's amused eye met his before it closed in his signature smile. "Ah, there you are," he crowed, patting at Iruka's head as if he was congratulating a puppy. "And the nest is gone!"

Iruka felt his face flush and the trance broke. He slapped at Kakashi who laughed as he tried to scramble to his feet in a dignified manner. With his hair loose and tousled, he looked more like a sleepy child than the avenging shinobi he was.

"Why are you in my seat, Kakashi-sensei," he barked, trying to sit and shove the jounin aside at the same time.

"I don't see your name on it," Kakashi retorted, immovable without trying. Iruka huffed and tried to shove him harder.

"This is _my_ house. I don't _need_ to have my name on anything. It's implied that everything here _is_ mine," he argued, pushing against Kakashi's shoulder with his head.

"My socks," Kakashi asked curiously, leaning back slightly.

"Because I washed them, they're mine now," Iruka barked, trying to move Kakashi's arm so he could reach his ribs.

"My boots too?" Kakashi peered over his shoulder at the struggling Iruka.

"And the mud on them!" Iruka tried to find the pressure points that would disable Kakashi's arm.

"Hm... Shisha-kun?" Kakashi curiously raised his arm to see what Iruka was going to do next.

"Him too! You left him here! You abandoned him!" Iruka grinned at the opening and began to jab at Kakashi's ribs. Shisha-kun shuddered in sad agreement, though it could have just been a sudden blast of heat from the space heater moving the air.

"Ukki-san?" Kakashi grunted, deciding that leaving his ribs open to attack was a decidedly bad idea never to be repeated as he began to shove back.

"Brothers shouldn't be apart," Iruka yelped as he toppled over and found himself pinned at the wrists.

"What about me? I'm here too." Kakashi cocked his head curiously, taking in the violent red heat that chased its way across Iruka's cheeks.

"Wh-what!" Iruka flushed harder at his own stuttering as he tried to kick Kakashi in the stomach.

"Nobody wants me, sensei," Kakashi whined, delivering a devastating puppy dog eye point-blank at him. "Please take me in!"

"Take you _in_," he yelped. "You hardly ever _leave_! I might as well own you! I feed you enough!"

Kakashi whined with glee and buried his face in Iruka's stomach as he wriggled about. The chuunin shouted and shoved at him, swearing a very violent doom upon his person.

In the end, neither of them had been willing to relinquish that side of the kotatsu and were cramped together rather snugly and were busy jabbing each other in sensitive areas when Naruto burst in, a loud orange blur followed by a gloomy looking Sasuke who raised a brow but said nothing at the sight of his teachers snuggling at the kotatsu.

Naruto's loud squawk of surprise at seeing Kakashi on Iruka's side of the table turned to laughter as he promised the Academy sensei would pay him back doubly for infringing. Kakashi, in turn, tried to wrap his arm around Iruka's shoulders while saying his bestest best friend of forever wouldn't do anything to him, but his words were cut off when he took an elbow to the stomach and Iruka took the opportunity to boot him away from the warmth of the kotatsu. Sasuke just rolled his eyes as the jounin playfully moped about while Iruka proclaimed his supremacy to all who cared to listen; namely Naruto and some plants in the corner.

As it turned out Kakashi had invited Naruto and Sasuke over—as if he lived there too!—so they wouldn't be alone at home while it snowed out. He'd invited Sakura as well but she'd _sadly_ declined once she'd gotten an eyeful of the weather.

"So, what's the 'super cool and ultra secret' thing you promised us, Kakashi-sensei," Naruto yelled as he bounced up and down from where Kakashi had sat him. He'd been tempted to tie the boy down as well but he had a feeling Iruka would disagree in the form of something sharp _in_ him somewhere really painful.

"I have..." Kakashi pushed the bag he'd brought, the one they'd forgotten about in the battle for the kotatsu, and peeled back the loose flap dramatically. "_Chocolate_."

Naruto looked starry-eyed, then blank. "What's that?"

"Dobe." Naruto screeched in offense, but Sasuke ignored him. "Chocolate is from the West. Don't you remember seeing it on the train? Some rich woman had some. You said it was bitter and tasted like dirt."

"Ew. You brought us dirt, Kakashi-sensei? Why would you do that?" Naruto scrunched his face up in his classic "thinking" position which just looked like he was hurting somewhere really private and didn't want to say it.

"I think you've brought enough dirt into my home for several lifetimes," Iruka concurred.

"Maa, it's only bitter if you don't put something sweet in it. Asuma said you can drink it." Kakashi scrubbed at the back of his head. "He gave me directions—" he threw a suspicious glance at Iruka just then "and told me they're idiot proof. Even you could do it, Naruto." Iruka just rolled his eyes at that.

"I don't know, Kakashi-sensei. You've given us some pretty weird stuff and said it was okay before." Naruto crossed his arms. Iruka shot the jounin a sharp and curious glance. Kakashi felt a bead of sweat pop out at his temple.

"I've had it sweet before and it's good. You're just uneducated, _Do-be_," Sasuke cut in smugly.

"_TEME_ TAKE THAT BACK," Naruto screeched, leaping towards his teammate. Sasuke's fingers danced with lightning as he smirked. The shrill cry of a whistle broke through and a yellow sign flashed between them. Naruto found himself yelping and struggling to reach Sasuke while Kakashi gripped the back of his jacket looking utterly bored.

"That is Yellow Card behavior! Sit down!" Iruka waved the sign and blew his whistle again. Naruto grumbled but settled down, scrambling to Iruka's side once he'd been freed to hug his favorite teacher. Kakashi twitched at the sight before sitting with a sigh.

"Okay. Now that the preliminary protests and violent interactions are out of the way, we can get to it," he muttered, pulling out a now-familiar copy of _Icha Icha Paradise_. Iruka groaned. Sasuke and Naruto shot him curious glances which he waved off.

"It says here: Heat milk and don't burn it, stupid." Kakashi paused to mutter what sounded like "I'm not stupid. _He's_ stupid." The trio of observers blinked as he came back to himself. "Okay, it says: Heat milk. It doesn't say anything about stupid. Forget all that." Iruka rolled his eyes. "Add chocolate and stir until melted. Don't burn that either. Add to taste. Add dried fruit or berries or sauce as desired, Note:..." Kakashi mumbled what might have been "alcohol" but no one could really tell. "Or honey. Put it in a cup and drink it—slowly. Don't burn yourself. The hospital doesn't... treat... burn wounds... caused by stupidity. I am going to get that bastard."

"Okay so this sounds doable," Iruka cut in, shaking the chocolate tin. "We should thank Asuma-sensei for lending us something like this. Chocolate is very expensive, you know." He mumbled to himself, "I'm just surprised he's letting us have this. You'd think he'd be giving it to Kurenai-sensei." It may have been a good thing that he missed the sharp glance Kakashi threw his way. It might have pierced his bubble of calm.

Hot chocolate making was only slightly less disastrous than the gingerbread making had been. They'd initially tried to heat the milk on a hot plate but it reached temperature in a sudden and instant roiling froth that spilled across the table and scorched the plate which was _indeed_ hot as Naruto discovered the hard way by trying to wipe the spilled milk of it which led the two teachers to dub open heating implements of _any_ kind off limits in the presence of genin. Sasuke sulked a little. He was perfectly fine with fire and its kin. Naruto always ruined everything.

As it turned out, Iruka's electric kettle worked just fine as a milk heater and they'd had a ball trying different concoctions, some worse than others. Ramen in hot chocolate was a _terrible_ idea. Even Naruto had to agree. Cinnamon sticks in hot chocolate were _delicious_ (and a good way to use up the excess from a cooking experience gone terribly wrong) and could be used to build little houses after. They'd also discovered that rock sugar went really well with the more bitter of the chocolate concoctions they came up with and Kakashi wrote a note for Gai about it, complete with the smuggest henohenomoheji he could draw. All in all, it worked out well, multiple trips to the bathroom and what would most likely be the largest water bill Iruka had yet been served notwithstanding.

Iruka didn't even mind that he'd gotten stuck washing all the dishes when he came back to the living room to see the boys asleep on the floor, Naruto's head pillowed on Sasuke's stomach as he drooled slightly, arms flung wide. Sasuke grumbled a bit in his sleep, patting at Naruto's head as he mumbled about a good dog. Kakashi hovered over them like a doting father, surprisingly gentle as he lay a blanket over them. He was humming something that was foreign and cheerful while Shisha-kun and Ukki-san swayed their branches.

"They'll get cavities from not brushing tonight, but they're young. They can always get their teeth pulled," Kakashi chirped. Iruka glared.

"You want to go home?" He looked meaningfully towards the dark windows where the snow flurries had piled up. The wind was whipping rather hard at that point, driving home just how uninviting the outdoors were at that moment.

"Iruka-sensei, you are the kindest, most generous and loving person in the whole country," Kakashi responded solemnly. "You would never throw an innocent—" Iruka threw a pillow at his head. He caught it and tucked it under his arm before continuing. "—man into the cold, dark—" A blanket hit him in the face and he grinned as he caught it. "You are too kind, sensei."

Somehow, Iruka didn't know how, Kakashi had managed to convince him to sleep with them in the living room. He'd said it was a family activity and illuminated by the soft glow of the street lamp outside, lumps of bodies snuggled under covers and in close quarters, it really did seem like they had a bit of a makeshift family; a really dysfunctional one with two crazy daddies who fought all the time, but a family nonetheless.

"So long as you know, I'm not the mommy," he muttered as he pulled his blanket up to his chin and began to drift off. A soft chuckle drifted through the air but he was already gone.

"Oh yes you are, Iruka-sensei. You even have the hair for it," Kakashi murmured next to him, patting his head as he snuggled into the jounin's hand unconsciously. Kakashi stroked Iruka's hair thoughtfully and patted Naruto's leg which was now flung across his lap as he began to sing the foreign song again.

"_Though the weather outside is frightful..._" The wind howled and rattled the windows. "_Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow..._"

* * *

**NOTES**

**haft** – the handle of a sword  
**chinko** – penis  
**kinako** – a powder made from roasted soybeans that tastes a lot like powdered peanut butter  
**senbei** – rice cookies that can be sweet or salty  
**jan-ken-po** – also known as ro-sham-bo or rock-paper-scissors. It's a type of elimination game where players utilise one of three hand formations [a Vee shape, a fist, and a flat open palm] to "defeat" each other and is often used to make decisions where there are two clear options. It is possible to cheat if you can guess the person's coming finger movements by watching your opponents' hands and forming your sign after they do.


	4. Silver Bells

Wow, fourth day is _weak_! Ya, this chapter is really weak and short. Sorry! I have to leave for work in less than half an hour. That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it!

**Title :**: Bells  
**Rating ::** PG  
**Summary :**: Iruka gets another bonus day off because of the blizzard wrecking Konoha and learns how annoying bells really are. And everyone suffers from Naruto's farts. That is just unfortunate.

* * *

Iruka came awake like one of the undead, lurching upright in a muzzied state of blankness to stare unseeing at the two plants wavering blurrily in front of him. He blinked slowly as thoughts filtered in like honey to pierce the fog of a chocolate-coma. Something seemed off but he couldn't quite figure out what it was. His tongue was thick and wore a nice fur coat—wolf maybe? He was sitting in the living room next to the kotatsu; unusual but not the thing that was causing his senses to ping. Kakashi sat at his side busily doing something crafty with micro-razor wire, bending, heating, and looping the metal into knotted patterns that not only looked pretty, but that Iruka knew would remove the fingers of anyone who touched it in the wrong way before garroting said unfortunate victim. He looked away.

Something... Something... Then he noticed the way the mid-morning sun pushed in through the whirl of snow still dancing merrily down the street outside to pat Shisha-kun and its tiny arsenal. There was an odd orange cast to everything and he realised it was Naruto's butt raised in the air as he snored happily on a pillow shaped like a... well, like a naruto. Sasuke's head was pillowed on Naruto's ankle, a dangerous place to be when the boy woke up—or slept since he was known for gaseous bodily emissions at inconvenient times, especially when trying to be stealthy. As luck would have it, Naruto was currently dreaming of being _very_ stealthy as he crept up on a giant specimen of _Ramen misocus largii_. A soft musical tinkling sounded once just before the Curse of Stealthy Naruto hit and Sasuke bolted upright screaming. Naruto, of course, drooled a little more, wriggled his butt, and kept snoring.

Amid a sudden chorus of tiny bells resulting from Sasuke kicking Naruto into the wall next to Ukki-san who now had a trio of small bells hanging from its branches, the thing that was bothering Iruka burst through the cloud of confusion and he shouted and tried to stand . Kakashi calmly caught the back of his shirt and Iruka yelled at him as he tried to pry the jounin's fingers off.

"I'm late, damn you! Why didn't you wake me up! Don't know know what kind of _things_ my students will get into? And... Oh! Oh, poor Izumo! He's slotted as my substitute this week! Oh no!" Iruka flailed before coming to his senses and sliding out of his shirt and running away. Kakashi blinked at the chuunin's retreating back, then to the shirt in his hand. He hadn't thought of that one.

"Maa, Iruka-sensei," Kakashi called as he padded across the living room, stepping gingerly over the battling genin with an "Excuse me, boys." He knocked on the door frame to the bathroom as Iruka frantically brushed his teeth. "Iruka-sensei. There's no school today. There's a _blizzard_ outside and the next few days are a holiday anyhow. Isn't it nice? You get to spend more time with your loving family!"

Iruka looked up glaring daggers, foam dripping sluggishly down his chin as if he'd caught a virulently progressive strain of rabies on the way to the bathroom. He gurgled something unintelligible, held up a finger in the universal sign for "wait", washed out his mouth and tried again. He took a deep breath, opened his mouth, saw Naruto and Sasuke peering curiously around the door frame of the living room, just at the height of Kakashi's knee and sighed. "Okay." Kakashi smirked.

Naruto's yelping cry had them running back to the living room, wondering what the boy had hurt _this_ time. _This_ time turned out to be a nicked pinkie finger as he had apparently tried to put the razor wire string on Ukki-san and learned just why there was a particularly large loop next to a braid of tiny loops. It was the dummy trigger. Very tricky.

He cried that Ukki-san needed decoration since Shisha-kun did and demanded to know where his gingerbread decoration was. Kakashi tried to distract him by shooing him off to brush his teeth and finally resorted to pushing the boy lightly with his foot in the general direction of the bathroom, unwilling to really _touch_ him in case his morning fart was still lingering. Sasuke grumbled to himself for a moment, raised a brow at Iruka and uttered, "You still don't have a shirt on, you know." He rolled his eyes at Iruka's horrified shout as he ran away. These people were all _crazy_.

.

To say that things calmed down after that would be a lie. There wasn't much in the way of calm, but there was a sense of impending _doom_. Iruka had returned from redressing himself to find the boys scuffling on the floor while Kakashi read his book—He really hoped there wasn't another recipe in there—and had immediately given them all another Yellow Card, threatening a Red Card next. They all knew what _that_ meant! Not really. No one really knew what Yellow Card meant either but no one was willing to risk the wrath of Iruka.

In any case, this meant they could all eat breakfast in peace. Iruka roasted some eggplant for the miso soup while Kakashi proved he could cook _incredible_ rice—okay, just made sure to take it off the heat before it burned. Sasuke had finally gotten to play with fire and roasted saury and dried squid with an unholy glee. Naruto had been allowed to wash the plates—until he started dropping them all in the sink in his excitement—and ended up sitting happily watching everyone bustle around him, reveling in the feeling of "family" as he shouted encouragement, cooking tips, and generally made a nuisance of himself.

A minor chopstick fight broke out in the kitchen as Kakashi and Iruka both tried to make the eggs at the same time and an epic battle of the pan started. Kakashi was determined that coriander needed to be added, but Iruka said Naruto hated the stuff and would only eat it with shoyu. Kakashi tried to toss coriander leaves on the rapidly cooking eggs as Iruka tried to block him and almost took a rice paddle to the face for his efforts. Sasuke sat at the counter and flipped the fish without paying them any attention. He was trying to match the fish to the image of the perfectly roasted fish he'd seen an old fisherman produce once.

The eggs ended up slightly burnt on one side and Iruka had serenely served the burnt parts to Kakashi, saying those were his favorite. Kakashi had resignedly agreed and ate in that blinkingly fast way of his that made everyone wonder if he could even _taste_ his food. Naruto was so happy to be eating with Iruka-sensei that he didn't even mind the coriander in his eggs. He had spit out his first bite in surprise and sprayed Kakashi's face though.

Throughout everything, a gentle tinkling sounded in the background as Ukki-san's leaves and branches shifted under the weight of the bells, providing a peaceful backdrop to the madness. The tinkling went on as they washed the dishes. It went on as Kakashi showed the genin how to make razor wire traps and to handle them without injury as Iruka looked on to make sure he wouldn't hurt them. The tinkling went on as the three lay strands of knotted wire on the branches of both the plants. The tinkling went wild when Kakashi told Naruto that Ukki-san had the bells because he had managed to defeat him in the bell test and that he had more bells for the plants.

The tinkling sound became a chorus of silver sounds as more bells of different sizes were produced from Kakashi's bag and placed on the trees. Iruka brought out test papers and tried to correct them while Kakashi sat next to him reading. Sasuke and Naruto played hanafuda which was a total whitewash on Naruto's end considering he couldn't get the concept of _matching_. The tinkling played on through lunch—ramen. Naruto's choice this time—and in the silence that followed that as the boys napped.

Iruka felt his fingers twitch and the vein at his forehead throbbed violently.

_Tinkle._

He marked an answer with a triangle—wrong answer.

_Tinkle._

A circle around another—right answer.

_Tinkle._

Another circle.

_Tinkle._

Kakashi flipped a kunai.

_Tinkle._

He hummed and flipped a page, still tossing the kunai in the air. It met his palm.

_Tinkle._

He tossed the kunai again and it flipped once before landing.

_Tinkle._

Iruka fingers twitched again and he shot a look at the kunai Kakashi was casually tossing.

_Tinkle._

He breathed slowly and counted backwards from ten.

_Tinkle._

He counted again, this time in Wave dialect.

_Tinkle._

He tried to think of as many peaceful things as he could: birds, rivers, sleeping babies, trees... Trees meant kuromatsu which meant Shisha-kun which meant decorations which meant _bells_ which meant...

_Tinkle._

He slammed his pen on the table, startling Sasuke into awareness before he subsided again, mumbling sleepily to himself. Kakashi slanted a look at him and raised his eyebrow as he caught the kunai and shifted his grip to a guard position.

"I can't take this anymore," he growled, clambering out from under the kotatsu.

"Well, that's apparent," Kakashi muttered. "What's _this_ that you can't take?"

"Those _bells_ need to go," Iruka snarled as he tried to step over Kakashi who was blocking the only way around the kotatsu.

"But he _earned_ them, Iruka-sensei. He and Shisha-kun have such good teamwork," Kakashi argued gently, refusing to move. When Iruka brought his foot up to stomp on Kakashi's lap, he yanked hard on his ankle and toppled him over.

"No! I can't take all the _tinkling_! It's driving me crazy!" Iruka flailed as Kakashi threw a blanket over him and lay on top.

"If you wake up Naruto, so help me, I'll—" Kakashi cut himself off as Naruto lurched upright, eyes wide open as he shouted about the most delicious noodles he'd ever seen before falling over, snoring and munching on the tail of Sasuke's crested hair.

Iruka gasped for air as he stared past Kakashi's profile to the ceiling, trying to gather his thoughts. He growled and clutched at Kakashi's hair, pulling hard. "I'll kick _you_ in the bells if you don't get rid of them. I'll get you so hard, you won't be able to speak like a man ever again. Do you want that? _Do_ you?"

Kakashi seriously looked as if he was considering it for a moment before he smiled, chirped "No" and flopped on him again, pinning him with his body. "You need a nap, sensei. You're too tense," he soothed, patting at Iruka's head. In return, Iruka tried to bite him.

"That's what I was _trying_ to do the other day when you brought that awful _gingerbread_ into my life!" He groaned as Kakashi managed to avoid his teeth.

"Maybe you need a lullaby? I hear music soothes the savage beast," Kakashi countered as he cheerfully started to hum.

"I'll show _you_ a savage beast," Iruka hissed back as he changed tactics and tried to headbutt the jounin.

"_Kinky._" Kakashi wrapped his arms and legs around the Iruka-sushi and grinned cheekily. "But not in front of the boys."

Iruka darted a glance towards Naruto and Sasuke but all he could see were Shisha-kun and Ukki-san waving their _bells_ at him. His eyes narrowed and he growled again.

"They'd probably help protect me from your perverted attentions," he hissed as he tried to buck the jounin off, succeeding only to look like a lumpy undulating caterpillar. "In fact..." He opened his mouth wide and immediately had the blanket pulled up to cover his face for his trouble.

"A nap. What _you_ need is a nice long nap," Kakashi declared. "Sleep now."

A patting on his head had him fighting the weight above him again. "Kakashi-sensei! Argh, Naruto! Wake up! Wake! Up!" The blanket came down again and Kakashi glared.

"Shhhhh. Don't wake him up," he hissed. "Do you have _any_ idea how hard it is to settle that boy _down_? Aren't you tired from all that enthusiasm? I know _I_ am!"

Iruka narrowed his eyes and bared his teeth. "Get rid of the bells and then we'll talk."

Kakashi huffed and with a small puff, the bells were all gone. Iruka rolled his eyes. Of course he'd jutsu'd those . The man was always glad to waste chakra on ways to be annoying.

"Okay, _now_ will you take a nap and be a good little boy," Kakashi whined. Iruka freed an arm and punched him on the head.

"You're an idiot. Go do something useful. Make the snow stop or something," he muttered. Kakashi suddenly had a guilty look that set off more alarms. Iruka's eyes narrowed. "Make. It. Stop."

"Maa, I don't know what you're talking about, Iruka-sensei," the jounin stared down, willing Iruka to be distracted.

"Don't play coy. The _snow_. Make it stop. Now!" He wriggled harder in his blanket cocoon. "I know you did something!"

"Sensei, you are so cruel! Ah!" Kakashi found himself staring at the wall with Iruka's fist under his chin.

"If you wanted a vacation, you should have applied for it, not used a jutsu on the village," Iruka muttered. "Make it stop or New Years will be ruined."

Kakashi grumbled, sounding wounded and highly aggrieved. "_Fiiiiine_. Spoilsport."

Moments later and the blizzard stirring Konoha like a snowy soup settled. Gai, out on a pond practicing whiteout navigation with black welding goggles, found himself standing on the edge of very thin ice, his bright orange scarf stiff with icicles. "Youth Perseveres," he shouted, posing grandly. The ice cracked and the pond opened up again under his feet as he skipped away to do something else youthful. The fish surfaced cautiously, mouths puckering the surface as they breathed easily for the first time since the looming green menace had first started to cross the pond.

In Iruka's home, Kakashi was left tied up in a blanket next to his beloved tree friends, grumbling about the general unfairness of life as Iruka serenely returned to his work, a set of earmuffs over his ears and a stick of ramen-scented incense blazing away. Naruto rolled over to Kakashi, lifted his butt and...

Kakashi cried out in horror, but it was too late.

* * *

**NOTES**  
hanafuda basically means "flower cards" and can be played as either a matching game or like a Japanese version of poker and is usually played for either chips or cash.

In Japan, triangles are drawn around the numbers of wrong answers. Circles are drawn _through_ answers and slash marks across the numbers mark correct answers.


	5. Little Drummer Boy

DAY FIVE! I still made it! But I'm tired... *headdesk* These chapters are degrading as I go on. Let it end!

For anyone who doesn't know, Japanese people make mochi in the week leading up to New Years and it can turn into a major circus, but it must be done and is often the only time family gets together all year outside of New Years itself.

Title :: Mochitsuki Boys  
Rating :: PG [for more swears]  
Summary :: Kakashi and Iruka try to have a mochitsuki [mochi making] session with the boys. Who keeps letting them _have_ these ideas?

* * *

Iruka woke up just before dawn, rolled his eyes at the blanket lumps adorning his living room yet again, and padded off to find his toothbrush, completely oblivious to the jounin that padded after. Kakashi had failed to mention that he'd not only invited Naruto and Sasuke over to try out chocolate, but to stay until New Years so they could have the full year-end experience that came with family: mochitsuki, house cleaning (even though it wasn't any of _their_ homes they'd be cleaning), fireworks, ozoni, and hatsumode. Anticipating his inability to say no to a triple set—two and a half sets rather. Kakashi's one eye, though devastating, was still only half a set—of puppy dog eyes, all three uninvited visitors had brought several days worth of clothes and were gleefully taxing his water meter every night with shower fights and soap bombs which themselves had the unintended side-effect of making his bathroom sparkling and spotless. None of them had ever managed to figure out where the Gai-like _glinting_ had come from but they weren't about to question something so clean and joyful looking. It might summon something far more green and _youthful_.

Iruka was busy attacking his teeth with his brush in the gloom, not wanting to disturb the slumbering group in the living room by turning on the light, when he heard his name. He blamed his reflex on the fact that it was still early and he hadn't expected someone to be in his bathroom as well, but Kakashi's unholy glee at having the tiny scarecrow shaped toothbrush holder he used—it was on sale and he'd really needed one!—thrown at his head was just _unsavory_. To say that he'd been flabbergasted when Kakashi had produced a matching dolphin one a moment later—why were the scarecrow and dolphin wearing the same shirt!—would have been a _massive_ understatement.

"_What_," he hissed, gagging slightly on the foam in his mouth. He tried to jab Kakashi in his stomach when the jounin tried to pat his back. "I'm _fine_. Stop that!"

"I was thinking," Kakashi started again, still patting Iruka's back with determination as if he was trying to coax a hairball out of a cat.

"That's new," Iruka muttered before he bent to rinse his mouth. Kakashi patted him once more and leaned close, staring solemnly with his eye.

"We need to go shopping. Right now."

Iruka blinked, squinted his eyes against the gloom and blinked again. He knew Kakashi was bad on time, but he _did_ realise that it wasn't even five-thirty yet, didn't he?

"I've been waiting for you to get up since five," he went on. Yes, Kakashi was indeed aware of the time. "I didn't know you were such a sad sack. Who knew Iruka-sensei was so lazy?" Kakashi was also asking to be killed in painful and inventive ways.

"_Why_, pray tell, do we need to go shopping _now_ of all times" Iruka ground out, trying to be patient. He didn't like to blow up before at least six. It was his personal habit. Pre-six o'clock was strictly neutral time. After that and all bets were off. It gave people the opportunity to ask for unreasonable and last minute favors while his day was still innocent, bright, shiny, and new. Unfortunately, it meant he got taken advantage a lot at five-fifty nine in the morning.

"_Because_," Kakashi hissed, darting an eye towards the living room. "The brats are still asleep."

Iruka leveled a half-lidded glare at the jounin. "I really don't understand you," he sighed regretfully as he scratched his head. "But," he continued as Kakashi powered up his trademark puppy dog eye, "I'll go with you."

Kakashi squeed quietly.

"But only because we need more food."

Kakashi wasn't deflated at all. He snagged Iruka's arm and dragged him towards the living room window, scooping him into his arms and hopping over the maze of limbs before Iruka's slaps and hissed threats stopped him.

"_What are you doing_," Iruka hissed. "_The door is in the hallway! What did I say about the window!_"

"Eh heh. Iruka-sensei is so smart." Kakashi giggled awkwardly as he reversed his direction. He carried the chuunin to the door, ignoring the following barrage of threats and questions asking why he was still carrying him, bundling Iruka into his boots and scarf before shoving him out the door ahead of him.

Iruka blinked in the cool morning air as Kakashi stretched widely next to him before throwing an arm across his shoulders. He opened his mouth to say something but the jounin had already set off, dragging him along.

Kakashi chattered aimlessly, seeming a little giddy. "Now, we need takenoko—I soaked mochigome last night so we're good with that—mikan, cucumber, kamaboko, kurikinton, kinpira gobo, kuromame..."

"Pochibukuro," Iruka cut in. Kakashi looked at him in surprise and he smiled. "For the boys. You're buying food for a New Years feast, aren't you?"

"Pochibukuro as well. With ninken hopefully," Kakashi agreed. "But we'll have to find somewhere to hide them. Naruto is nosy."

They snickered to themselves like first-time parents as they tossed ideas on where to hide the envelopes back and forth as they worked their way through the market, open early for New Years shopping. They were so absorbed in an argument over which chestnuts to buy that they didn't notice Anko or the dango stick that she dropped at the sight of them shopping together, or Ebisu-sensei who'd been distracted by staring at the same sight and had stepped on the stick and poked his toe as it jammed itself through the sole of his boot and was now yelping and doing a rather silly looking dance as he tried to pull it out.

They had another argument over which tangerines to buy for the kagami mochi, each pointing to vastly different specimens and scuffing up a small dust cloud at their feet. Asuma bit back a groan as he leaned back, grumbling to himself that Kurenai should have hidden herself instead of forcing _him_ to hide under the fruit stand. Wasn't the point of getting up early to go shopping _not_ being seen? Why were there so many people? And why _Kakashi_ of all? He was still miffed at the jounin for winning—by cheating most likely—the very expensive tin of chocolate he'd brought back from Forest Country for Kurenai in a game of Red Kunai, Blue Kunai. Even worse, he hadn't been able to get the _why_ of why Kakashi had been so all-fired to have the chocolate in the first place.

"Kakashi-sensei! Iruka-sensei! How unusual to see you around this time of morning. New Years shopping?" Kurenai chirped from behind them. Underneath the mikan stand, Asuma dragged a hand down his face before shoving an unlit cigarette in his mouth. He was going to be in for a long wait.

.

"So... Asuma. Kurenai. Together," Iruka questioned as he pushed the door to his flat open.

"Completely and without a doubt," Kakashi responded as he bustled in after, arms full of bags. "And hilariously _whipped_"

Iruka snorted in agreement as he leaned on the door to close it, arms also full of bags. "I can't believe he sat under the mikan stand the whole time. Crazy."

"The things a man will do when he's in love," Kakashi sang as he lay his bag aside the genkan and crouched down to help Iruka remove his boots.

"Ah, thanks," Iruka mumbled, fighting down a blush at the awkwardness.

"In any case," the jounin went on as he toed their boots in line and stood back to admire the neat rows. He looked crafty for a moment as he retrieved his shopping bags. "Let's go hide these pochibukuro!"

Iruka rolled his eyes as Kakashi bolted down the hallway towards his room. It was as if it was Kakashi, not the Naruto that was having a first New Years.

.

Iruka found himself digging around in the storage closet through a box of his parents' New Years things and realised that he hadn't properly celebrated a New Years himself since they'd died. He'd already found the special ninja-grade kine and was looking for the usu when his hand encountered a soft piece of fabric. He hooked his finger under the cloth strap and lifted the bundle from the box, cocking his head curiously.

"Oh? You have mochitsuki outfits," Kakashi queried from over his shoulder. Iruka looked up.

"Ah, yes. I think these are my parents'. Oh, and here are mine!" He held up another set of bundles. The usu lay in the box just below the clothes, nestled in a wooden box with its stand.

"Hey, are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Kakashi shook out the set of clothes and held them up.

Iruka slanted him a glance. "That the closet needs a good dusting?"

"That too," Kakashi allowed. "_But_ I'm thinking that this fits you—" He tossed the smaller of the outfits towards Iruka and admired the larger. "—and this fits me. And those—" He pointed to the smaller bundles in Iruka's lap. "—would fit Naruto just fine."

Iruka shook out the small bundle and sighed. It really _would_ fit Naruto and the boy would be _so_ happy. He knew Sasuke would prefer to use an Uchiha-monogrammed outfit himself. He held up the outfit Kakashi had given him, taking in the tawara-gata design his mother used to wear and sighed again. It looked like he was going to be the mommy after all.

.

It was by unspoken agreement that the two adults had descended upon the still-slumbering boys like a pack of hooligans, rousing them with shouts and shoving that had them dressed and teeth brushed before they knew it. Naruto was adorable in Iruka's old outfit, a polar opposite to Sasuke's black one. Iruka couldn't help himself and he hustled them together next to Shisha-kun and Ukki-san for a picture. Kakashi had gotten further excited, conjured a clone, and forced everyone to take a "family picture" with him. He then made Iruka take a "parents picture" that was really embarrassing and seemed to take forever since Kakashi decided that Naruto should _get to_ have the experience of taking it.

"Ne, sensei," Naruto tugged on Iruka's sleeve. "What are we doing anyway and why is there a rock over there?"

"Dobe. Haven't you ever heard of mochitsuki?" Sasuke looked patently bored as he swung a mallet, nearly hitting Ukki-san. Kakashi yanked the mallet away from him with a sloe-eyed glare.

"Teme! You're the sucky one, not me," Naruto shrieked before leaping at the Uchiha.

"Yellow Card," Iruka shouted, diving between them. "Mochitsuki is mochi pounding," he explained.

"Sounds perverted," Naruto mumbled. Iruka hit him lightly on the head.

"You need to make mochi so you can have good luck in the new year. It is _not_ perverted," he insisted.

"It is if you go to the Otafuku Gai Red Lantern District's Butterfly House," Kakashi mused. Iruka slapped at him in a knee-jerk response.

"_Shut up!_ Stop encouraging him," he hissed before casting the most innocent look he could towards Naruto who was still looking _really_ suspicious. "It's violent," he suggested. Naruto immediately brightened.

"It's good for training too," Kakashi cut in. "It's good for endurance and speed training. You should try it sometime." Iruka slapped at him again.

"We're going to do it now," he barked. Kakashi's eye gleamed. Iruka's eyes narrowed as he followed the jounin's train of thought. "Don't even go there."

.

Mochi making was a lot harder than Iruka remembered and was made doubly hard by the fact that he was the only one who could remember how to do it. Sasuke had been too small to participate in the actual rice pounding and neither Naruto nor Kakashi had any experience with it.

He hadn't been all that amused when Kakashi had shown him where he'd left the mochigome to soak—in the ofuro? _Really?_—and had to explain the entire process in between fights. It had taken Kakashi and himself at least half an hour to wrangle the kine away from the boys who were determined to beat each other's heads in. Even Iruka's shouts of "It's bad luck!" hadn't done much to ease tensions.

Sasuke had subsided into a kind of feral glee as he was offered the job of heating the rice pot and was currently ensconced at the counter in the kitchen tending to the fire. Naruto had initially been allowed to watch until he'd tried to poke the rice and had gotten burned in the process, much to both Iruka and Kakashi's regret. They took it as a personal reflection of their lack as teachers.

Sasuke's glee spread to Naruto once the cooked mochigome met the usu and the kine were relinquished to the genin. Iruka tried to explain the fine art of _timing_ so the mochigome could be turned without burnt or smashed hands and gave a small demonstration with Kakashi, stressing the importance of shouting "Sa!" with every mallet strike. Unfortunately neither he nor Kakashi could be considered "good role models" when violent things were involved and the demonstration instantaneously dissolved into a competition to see who had faster reflexes and Kakashi had almost snapped his mallet in half as he did his level best to crush Iruka's hands. Iruka had returned the favor by trying to smack the jounin on the head with his own and they'd ended up wrestling for dominance while the genin took up arms.

Naruto dipped his hands in a bowl of water and shifted back and forth, eyes locked on Sasuke's.

_Ta._

Naruto darted a hand forward and poked the blob of mochi. Sasuke whipped the mallet down. Naruto snatched his hand back, glaring as he dipped it again.

_Ta._

Naruto shrieked and darted his hand forward to smack the blob of mochi, swearing as it burned him. Sasuke smirked and whipped the mallet down again, missing Naruto's fingers by a flash.

_Ta._

Naruto swore and attacked the mochi with two hands, Sasuke already swinging the mallet.

_Ta._

"Teme!"

_Ta._

"Sasu-tem-"

_Ta._

"Kusoyarou!"

_Ta._ _Ta._

"Ack!"

_Ta._ _Ta._ _Ta._

"Slow down!"

_Ta._ _Ta._ _Ta._

"I'll kill you!"

_Ta._ _Ta._ _Ta._

"Grr."

_Ta._ _Ta._ _Ta._ _Ta._ _Ta._ _Ta._

"What the hell do you think you're doing!" Naruto couldn't get his hands in with Sasuke striking the mallet so quickly. Iruka looked up from where he was straddling Kakashi and trying to choke him and pushed Naruto away, eyes glowing with excitement.

"I'll take over, Naruto! Go jump on Kakashi-sensei," he called, hands flying. Sasuke grinned madly and sped up his rhythm, sweat sliding down the side of his face from the effort and the heat of the mochi. Kakashi's eye narrowed as Naruto launched himself into the air with a loud "BANZAI!"

Naruto found himself sitting on a surprised Sasuke as Kakashi kawarimied himself to Sasuke's previous spot and began to swing the mallet with blinding speed. The dark haired genin narrowed his eyes with suspicion, batting aside Naruto's hands as the other boy tried to beat his head in. Kakashi had been behaving oddly for a while now.

.

Mochi pounding ended up being exhausting for all parties involved. Kakashi and Iruka ended up destroying three out of five steel-cored kine during their competition and Sasuke and Naruto were tired just from _watching_ the blinding speed of their teachers. Naruto was mostly tired from screaming encouragement for both opponents—and trying to shout "Sa"s for them—and Sasuke was tired from having had his Sharingan activated the whole time—to little effect as well. His teachers were blindingly fast, even with his dojutsu.

Kakashi and Iruka were both breathing a little harder than usual and staring at the huge lumps of mochi they'd pounded, Kakashi wondering just what the _hell_ people actually did with it, when Iruka announced the next step with a tired smile. Kakashi slanted a suspicious look towards the chuunin. There was _more_? And they had to _cut_ the rice? This was just silly.

Against the protests of the genin who'd wanted to try their skills, Kakashi ended up cutting the mochi and flung the unformed balls across the track of starch they'd turned the kitchen table into with a speed that would have made Gai weep with sheer joy. The three remaining shinobi raced to form the mochi balls, cursing as their hands burned, kicking up a huge cloud of white as their hands flew. White mochi was formed into standard balls, later to be topped with mikan. Pink mochi with ume pounded in was filled with azuki bean paste. Green tea mochi with matcha powder pounded in was filled with kuromame paste. They found out that stuffing chocolate bits into the mochi was also really good.

Then Iruka made everyone his "special" mochi. Kakashi had snatched the first one before anyone else could even _see_ it and made it disappear in his normal way.

"Why... Why is this hard? And salty? Why is this salty! You have a weird way of making beans," Kakashi mumbled. Then he paused, chewed slowly and paused again. "Is... this... Is this sausage? Oh gods, this is so wrong."

Iruka laughed so hard he cried. Naruto, of course, loved it. It reminded him of ramen. Sasuke stared at the plants in the corner, the only other sane—quiet anyhow—beings in the room and wished himself into a tree.

* * *

**NOTES**  
Mochi made for mochitsuki is not the same as confectionary mochi and is very dense and chewy with a slight sweetness and needs to be eaten hot. Some people fill them and crack them open at New Years. It may also be eaten in ozoni, a type of mochi soup which is a little sweet and syrupy. It may also be eaten with sugar and shoyu.

You have to cook the mochiko with water in a pot or soak the mochigome [sticky sweet rice] and wet, pound, and heat the mochi on a usu [mortar] with a kine [mallet]. The notes for this one were long so you will need to refer to the profile for a link to the full notes. It'll be in the general notes


	6. Deck the Halls

Day 6. Houses must be cleaned before the New Year.

**Title ::** Wreck the Halls  
**Rating ::** PG  
**Summary ::** Pre-New Years cleaning... It's not what it used to be.

**

* * *

**

Iruka took a deep breath and peeked between the gaps of his fingers before clenching his fist tight in determination. He had to do this. It was for the better good. With a resolved determination worthy of a kage on the brink of war, he carefully slid his hand under the cloth, dropped the object into the pot and quickly stepped away. Kakashi patted him on the shoulder before following his action, murmuring a quiet "It's for the best" under his breath. Iruka nodded, not even questioning how the jounin _knew_ what he had done. Even Sasuke probably knew. Poor innocent, enthusiastic, _young_ Naruto was probably the only one who didn't.

Gai-sensei stood with Rock Lee, leg still in a cast but gloriously green with an unfailing vibrancy that struggled to overwhelm his beloved sensei's, and held the cloth-covered pot, beaming with the light and love of a thousand Gai clones. The mere _thought_ was disturbing enough to send Kakashi's sensibilities screaming and he reacted by twitching his eyebrow, an unconscious reaction he immediately reined in as he shot a look towards Sasuke, hoping he hadn't been caught looking _uncool_. The Uchiha was being uncool enough for the both of them, his eyebrows twitching like Naruto at the sight of all-you-can-eat ramen stands.

"Yosh! So now we will find out which lucky home we shall be endeavoring to clean first," Gai announced, posing unnecessarily as he held the pot towards the ceiling as if it was a trophy of a sort. Lee copied his motion, raising a dust rag and apron, both in a weird sherbert swirl of pink and orange.

"Yosh! Now is the time to show our worth as good and noble shinobi of Konoha and help our friends," he cried out, eyes tearing. "Sakura! I will clean your room—"

"No thank you, Lee-san," she cut in, looking harried. "My mom and I did our cleaning yesterday! I'm only here for Sasuke-kun!"

Lee looked deflated for a moment, but shook it off and beamed even brighter. "Of course! Sakura-san, you are the epitome of the perfect kunoichi! You are both timely and organized! Your skills shall not go unrecognized!"

Kakashi's eye drooped as Lee ranted on and he slid a glance towards Naruto who was looking confused about the whole thing. Iruka swiftly derailed Lee's rant when he handed him a pair of bright orange dish gloves and earned himself a watery hug from the green genin. Naruto shouted when he realized he was missing out on some major Iruka-sensei hugging time and tried to pull Lee away. Kakashi twitched and pried both genin off, waving a Yellow Card sign in front of their faces with menace. Gai laughed and shook the pot, praising them for their enthusiasm.

"Yosh! You are all so energetic! It's good because we are about to embark on our mission to clean the first house," he cried out.

"Yeah? Yeah? Whose house is it, Gai-sensei," Naruto called out as he tried to push the Yellow Card sign away from his face. Kakashi pressed it against his nose and waved it around some more to make sure he got the point.

"Let us see! First marker: ORANGE! Naruto's house!" Gai pulled out the first marker, an orange button. Lee cheered and dutifully noted it in his trusty notebook. Naruto frowned.

"Who would vote for me? Sakura-chan? Is it you?" He looked excited at the thought of Sakura thinking of him first. She laughed nervously and looked anywhere but at him.

"Second marker: ORANGE! Naruto's house again!" Gai waved the second marker, another orange button. Lee shouted "Naruto's house" and jotted down another tally. Naruto frowned again.

"Me again? Ne, ne, why do so many people want to come to my house? I'll bet it's _you_ and you're just jealous of how awesome my house is!" He looked at Sasuke and grinned broadly.

"Third marker: ORANGE! Naruto's house also!" Gai waved the third marker, yet another orange button. Lee shouted again and tallied another vote. Naruto frowned harder. Something was up.

"Are you sure that's right," he mumbled. "Something seems—"

"Fourth marker: ORANGE! Naruto's house again!" Gai waved yet another orange button. Lee shouted and tallied the vote. Naruto scrunched his face up into his "painful thinking" pose.

"Fifth marker: ORANGE! Naruto's house!"

More scrunched up frowning.

"Sixth marker: ORANGE! Naruto!"

Iruka frowned with Naruto.

"Seventh marker: ORANGE! Naruto!"

Iruka slid a glance towards Kakashi was was staring at the wall next to Gai, seeming to twitch every time Gai's arm waved grandly.

"Eight marker: ORANGE! Naruto!"

"Hey! Wait a minute! There's not even eight voters! Where's _my_ marker," Naruto shouted, glaring at the pot as if it was responsible for a multitude of sins.

"I do not know anything, Naruto-kun," Gai boomed. "I am just the vote counter!"

Iruka frowned and took the pot from Gai, tilted it upside down and rolled his eyes as a fall of orange buttons cascaded to the ground. The flow didn't stop as he carefully tilted it just enough so he could see the blue, black, and white buttons stuck to the bottom of the pot.

"Okay, obviously this ended up being rigged," he sighed as he righted the pot and stood knee-deep in blindingly orange buttons. "But the buttons may be on to something. Naruto, your house is a little..."

Naruto frowned. "Iruka-sensei. Your house is messy too. Look at all those buttons."

"These buttons aren't normally here," Iruka barked. "Your house first. Then Sasuke's. Then Kakashi-sensei's. Then we'll come back here! Everyone thank Gai-sensei and Lee-san for agreeing to help us!"

Naruto huffed and crossed his arms, pouting as Iruka wrapped a scarf around his neck. Sasuke tucked his hands into his pockets and brushed past Naruto, pausing to lightly bump his shoulder in a gesture of sympathy. It could have just been him feeling sorry for himself and his coming suffering. Sakura rolled her eyes and yanked on Naruto's jacket sleeve as she charged after Sasuke.

"Kakashi-sensei. That was unnecessary," Iruka murmured as he buckled his boots next to the jounin. Kakashi looked at him with surprised innocence.

"Why, Iruka-sensei. How could you say such a thing? I'd never—" His protest was cut off when Iruka jabbed him in the sensitive hollow just behind his knee.

"Just because I agree with your decision doesn't mean I agree with the method. This is the Chuunin Exams nomination all over again," he muttered under his breath. Kakashi let out a quiet "ah" and looked like he wanted to punch himself.

.

Naruto's apartment was _horrifying_ to be blunt. Lee had youthfully strode through the door and right into a paper bowl partially filled with a cloudy brown sea floated by little green and grey islands. An unintended trap of moldy green dried (now soggy) noodles flew across the room and slapped Sakura in the face. Lee hopped up and down trying to shake the bowl off his foot while simultaneously trying to calm the girl down as she shrieked all the ways she was going to murder Naruto and hide his body in the woods. Sasuke tried to avoid a pile of scrolls and ended up tripping over a stray bit of wire hooked over the dresser and leading somewhere under the bed and found himself face-first in a pile of old milk cartons that sounded chunky and smelled putrid. He sighed at the sheer _uncoolness_ he'd just displayed.

Gai laughed at the _ingenious_ defense mechanism Naruto had concocted as the boy tried to shove things under other things. Iruka followed him like a lost puppy, pulling the cartons out from under the bed as he kicked them under, pulling chopsticks from empty scroll packs as he snuck them in, frowning as he activated a storage scroll on a hunch and found a small mountain of ramen bowl covers at his feet. Kakashi followed after him like the lost puppy's best friend with a garbage bag, holding it open so the chuunin could dispose of the trash. Every so often he'd make curious humming noises and touch things, appreciating the sheer effectiveness of Naruto's unintended chaos at disabling intruders. He would have to replicate _that_ thing over there with the scroll and the lamp. It looked _lethal_.

The switch for the lamp across the room rocketed forward with a 'ping' and Kakashi casually pulled Iruka out of the way when he looked up at the sound. The tiny projectile buried itself several inches into the wall plaster like a bullet. Kakashi smiled. He was most definitely stealing that one.

Iruka frowned at the hole in the wall, scooped a bit of goop Naruto had on a desk that he assumed was molding clay—really hope it wasn't explosive clay—and filled it in. He turned to assault the areas missed by the green tornado that Gai had become and was stopped short when he realised Kakashi was still holding onto his shoulders. He turned back to see what the jounin wanted when the man let go with a quiet "oops" and darted around him to challenge Gai to see who could find more pieces of dirty laundry.

Sasuke groaned in his milk carton pile and decided to play dead.

.

They'd ended up sitting back and letting Kakashi and Gai do most of the work as they shouted challenges back and forth. Gai was determined that he was a much faster duster. Kakashi was insistent that it was the polishing that came after the dusting that was more important. Quality over quantity and all that. Sakura had gone home to wash her face and hair which she was _determined_ smelled like old ramen, Lee hobbling pitifully after, yammering on about the threat of nuke-nin. Iruka and Naruto had dragged Sasuke to the bed and left him to continue to play dead, but Naruto's long unwashed sheets had magical restorative powers—apparently—and Sasuke had bolted upright choking on the Breath of Life, so he'd been drafted into helping with the washing. Iruka had been forced to step in more than once to keep the boy from burning all of Naruto's things in sheer frustration and had issued Yellow Cards with extreme prejudice.

Iruka and Naruto were just remaking the bed when Sakura returned, irritated and a little muddy. It seemed Lee had decided to be a bit _too_ chivalrous and gentlemanly and had tried to carry her over a puddle, something she'd protested vehemently (with her fists). She could have just _walked_ over it! The boy just _had_ to do something so embarrassing in front of the Yamanaka flower shop! She'd never live it down!

Naruto stutteringly offered her a clean—really clean. Sasuke had just pulled the laundry from the dryer—shirt and flushed a dangerous red when she'd grudgingly taken it, grateful that it wasn't orange. She'd then physically kicked everyone out of the room, blushing as she allowed that Sasuke could stay. The boy rolled his eyes and made his way out with the rest of the males. Girls. Who could understand them?

.

Both Kakashi and Sasuke's homes were so alike and empty, it was a little frightening. Various types of weaponry were stored neatly around their homes, all well-oiled and honed. Sasuke's room had a small doll he'd hidden under a pillow as soon as they'd entered, something Sakura had squealed over until Iruka had taken her in hand and threatened her with the now-legendary Yellow Card.

The blankness of Sasuke's home was a little disconcerting, but not something anyone chose to comment on—except for Naruto of course. The blonde genin had shrieked that his teammate had cheated and snuck away to clean earlier, disregarding the fact that Sasuke had been doing _his_ laundry. Sasuke had just rolled his eyes and muttered that he was just not disgusting, which set Naruto off yet _again_ and had resulted in both Kakashi and Iruka waving Yellow Card signs with a vengeance. It was over quickly anyhow, even Sakura's enthusiasm had waned after five minutes of the pure _nothing_ Sasuke's home was.

Kakashi's home, while empty, was far more inviting and surprisingly whimsical in its plainness. His shuriken-patterned sheets matched the shuriken-patterened blanket he'd brought to Iruka's house. An amusing picture of his former chuunin team, adorably grouchy child-Kakashi appropriately cooed at, was proudly displayed next to the familiar picture of Team Seven. A ring on the windowsill marked Ukki-san's normal perch and Naruto almost sliced his finger on a shuriken hidden in a crack between the window and the sill as he poked at it and laughed that Kakashi had weird marks in his room.

There were odd shadows on walls and furniture where one got the sense that something had once lain there and only recently been removed. There were odd numbers of dishes in the cupboards in designs that Iruka realised had slowly been appearing in his. There were odd sides to socks in the drawer and curiously empty hangers where jumpers might have hung. There were empty weapons hooks in the hall closet and in the storage one. Volumes were missing from his vast collection of _Icha Icha_.

Kakashi laughed it off as tanuki stealing his socks and clothes from the wash. He claimed that he'd taken all the missing weaponry in for rebalancing and cleaning and that he'd loaned out the books, but Iruka knew that to be a lie because that long shadow against the corner of the wall matched the length of the naginata that had appeared on the narrow ledge above his bed one day after Kakashi had visited. The long heavy oversized kunai that would normally have been paired with that Fuuma shuriken on the wall were currently lodged in the secret compartment under the kotatsu where he liked to sit from when he'd stolen it to see if he could and if Kakashi would notice. He could and Kakashi hadn't. He also knew that all of Kakashi's missing laundry was mixed in his with his as the jounin left things lying around after a visit. He'd even gathered quite the collection of _Icha Icha_ because of it and had meant to return them, but never quite remembered to do it.

Gai cheered that the room had come pre-cleaned and gleefully ushered them out the door, asking if anyone wanted to visit his home, even though it was on the opposite side of the village. Aside from Lee's over-enthusiastic crow of acquiescence, there was a resounding shout of "NO!" Konoha's Green Beast had just laughed heartily and claimed his home would have overwhelmed them with its youthfulness before hopping onto the rooftop and skipping off towards Iruka's house.

"Kakashi-sensei," Iruka called ahead, quieting as he caught up to the jounin. "You should remember to take your things home. I hadn't realised you were so forgetful. It must be the rotting caused by those horrific books of yours."

"Maa, sensei, what would I do without you?" Kakashi cheerfully patted him on the shoulder. "Lose my head? It happens anyhow."

Iruka rolled his eyes and muttered that his head wasn't the only thing he'd lost and took off for home, making sure to stomp extra hard on Anko's roof as he passed. She leaned out the window and flung a series of dango sticks at him in greeting, spitting out another one as Kakashi passed by just after. The stick fell to the street where it impaled the topside of Ebisu's boot as he stared at the shinobi running on the rooftops. It took a few long seconds for the pain to filter in and he yelped, jumping up and down as he tried to pulled the stick out. Anko turned her attention to him and blinked.

"Ebisu! Again!"

.

Iruka's front door opened to a cascade of orange buttons and he groaned in annoyance. Why _hadn't_ they dealt with that before they'd left? Naruto pushed past, annoyance at the rigged vote gone, as he happily scooped the buttons into a bag while commenting on the difficulty of finding just that particular shade of button. That solved the issue of the hallway in any case.

The oddest hint of _dog_ lingered in the flat, setting off alarms in Iruka's head. The hallways were suspiciously clean and sparkling, two conditions that were completely absent whenever Naruto—and Kakashi now—came to visit. The mess of dishes left from breakfast were neatly stacked in cupboards. The soil in Shisha-kun and Ukki-san's pots were damp from a recent watering. The stash of _Icha Icha_ he _knew_ he'd collected was missing from under the kotatsu where he normally kept it. It was all very suspicious.

Naruto shouted that Iruka was amazing for having created a house-cleaning jutsu and that he should teach it to him one day. Sakura collapsed on the ground in relief, still traumatized from Naruto's house. Gai and Lee both posed randomly, both expounding Iruka-sensei's youthful virtues. Sasuke said nothing and stared at Kakashi with narrowed eyes. Iruka rolled his eyes as the missing piece slid into place.

"Abusing your summons again, Kakashi-sensei? Tell them to be quicker next time. They missed all those buttons," he hummed.

"Maa, sensei. How cruel—endorsing small swallowable, inedible objects near animals. I should report you to Ibiki-san. You could be a risk to Konoha," Kakashi whined.

"You're the one who should be reported. You're a risk to my mental health," Iruka muttered.


	7. Yule Shoot Your Eye Out

ALMOST DIDN'T MAKE IT! Here is day 7 and day 8 will be_ right_ after it. XD HAPPY NEW YEARS [soon]

Title :: You'll Shoot Your [Other] Eye Out  
Rating :: PG  
Summary :: The epic clash of the Shabu Shabu King and the Nabe King... Things get 'splodey when fireworks get involved.

* * *

Iruka breathed in the sharp fresh scent of pine as he ducked his head away from the annoying brush of long needles as he juggled a bundle of branches with angle-cut bamboo shoots. The house was an unsettling quiet, but the soft murmurs meandering down the hallway from the living room told him that at least there wasn't a house fire—at least there shouldn't have been. Somehow he still didn't trust Kakashi with responsible child care, even if Sasuke and Naruto weren't technically children anymore.

"Tadaima," he called as he entered the living room, looking down as he stepped over an empty ramen bowl, frowning as he did so. A stifled gasp had him looking up in sudden worry. "What—"

"_Monster_! You are a horrible, horrible _monster_," Kakashi hissed, positioning himself to block Shisha-kun. He looked severely offended. "Don't look. It's just an illusion. Think happy thoughts."

Iruka sighed as he heard a frantic rustle of needles behind Kakashi's back. The jounin's eye narrowed and he jerked his head towards the window, obviously willing him to leave peacefully. He rolled his eyes and shook the bundle of pine branches at Kakashi.

"If I told you I _found_ these branches on the ground, would that make you feel better?" He frowned as the jounin shook his head in firm denial.

"It wouldn't and you are a stinking liar," Kakashi growled. "Shame on you."

"Kakashi-sensei, you lie all the time," Naruto piped up from where he was seated across Sasuke, waving a fist full of hanafuda cards in his face. Sasuke batted the hand aside.

"Don't encourage him, Dobe. He's just messing with you," Sasuke mumbled, matching several more cards. Naruto shrieked when he realised he was losing and forgot about his teachers.

"Kakashi-sensei. Stop being ridiculous," Iruka barked, freeing a hand to pinch the jounin's ear. Kakashi yelped as the pine needles jabbed at his face.

"Okay! Okay, let go! Let go! You don't play fair!" Kakashi batted at the pine needles with over-exaggerated menace.

"The problem is that you keep thinking I'm playing around!" Iruka slapped at his head as he ducked away with a cheeky grin.

"Iruka-sensei is always a lot of fun," he purred, patting at the dolphin gingerbread decoration dancing on Shisha-kun's branches.

"He'd be a lot more fun if a certain jounin didn't act like a pre-Academy student," Iruka retorted, carefully setting the kadomatsu base next to Ukki-san. He slotted the pine branches into the proper places and slid a sly glance towards the Copy Nin, smirking at the sloe-eyed look he got in return.

"I went to the Academy," Kakashi mumbled, crossing his arms fitfully.

"Barely," Iruka snorted. He clapped his hands to gain the genins' attention. "Okay, boys! Bath time! You need to be clean for the New Year!"

Naruto grumbled and threw in his cards with a pout. He'd been losing anyhow. Sasuke smirked slightly as he raked in the cards and counted his chips. His pile of orange buttons was significantly larger than Naruto's and his air of superiority was noticeable from across the room. Kakashi snickered and waved him off towards the bathroom to lord over the ofuro, distracting him from noticing the tongue Naruto stuck at his back.

"_Now_," Iruka chirped, clapping his hands excitedly. "Let's get the shabu shabu ready!"

"Shabu shabu? _Nabe_ is for New Years, Iruka-sensei," Kakashi countered with a frown.

"No, _shabu shabu_ is. Nabe is for winter, but shabu shabu is for New Years," Iruka insisted, frowning back.

"_Nabe_, sensei."

"_Shabu shabu_."

"_Na-be_." Kakashi crossed his arms.

"_Sha-bu sha-bu_." Iruka fisted his hands at his hips and leaned in with menace.

"_Na. Be._" Kakashi twitched. Naruto scrunched his face up, looking pained.

"Na, sensei... What is nabu and shabu shabu," Naruto whined. "I don't understand what the big deal is!"

"Naruto-kun, listen to me. Shabu shabu is better. Please tell this to Kakashi-sensei," Iruka instructed carefully, waving a finger in a teacherly manner.

"Naruto-kun, listen to _me_. Nabe is far better. Please educate Iruka-sensei. He is obviously confused," Kakashi instructed, turning Naruto to face him.

"Shabu shabu," Iruka interjected, pulling Naruto away, jumping as the boy gave him a joyful hug at the attention.

"Nabe," Kakashi frowned again, reaching for Naruto who darted away.

"Shabu shabu has the Shabu Shabu King," Iruka said.

"Nabe has the Nabe King," Kakashi huffed.

"Shabu shabu is a true sign of New Years," Iruka insisted.

"Nabe has more flavor," Kakashi insisted back.

"Shabu shabu is more subtle," Iruka argued, tensing for a long fight.

"Nnnn-abe!"

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Let's do shabu shabu because Iruka-sensei said so and Iruka-sensei is _awesome_," Naruto cut in. Kakashi hesitated, finding it hard to argue that point.

"Nabe is better," Sasuke grumbled from the bathroom, poking his head out the door to glare at Kakashi. He'd sensed a disturbance in the general will of the macrocosm and decided to assert at least a little resistance to the cause. "Nabe has all the elements representative of both the year's end and the new year's start."

"It's more meaningful when you add the ingredients one-by-one," Iruka scolded gently.

"Maa, let's just skip the normal fight and just go with both then," Kakashi mumbled, looking vaguely towards the ceiling as he wandered off towards the hallway. "I have an extra wok pot anyhow."

"Pfft. Idiot." Iruka snorted with amusement and pushed Naruto towards the bathroom. "Your turn."

.

"I am the Shabu Shabu King so I'll lead, okay?" Iruka poured water into a wok-pot and gestured for Sasuke to heat it. Naruto nodded fervently. Kakashi rolled his eye skyward and muttered that the Nabe King was better. Iruka flicked a cube of daikon at his head in retaliation.

"First you need to add dashi and konbu to the water as a soup base. You can add leeks for sweetness in case the dash-" Iruka broke off as Naruto started to hack at the dried fish, terrible memories of gingerbread flashing through his head. "Ah! Naruto-kun! I'll do that! Please, don't trouble yourself!"

Kakashi snickered as Naruto pouted, stirring the water with a chopstick. Sasuke rolled his eyes and blew a little more heat into the fire, making his teammate jump back with an offended shout.

"The konnyaku and glass noodles represent long life; a blessing for the new year," Iruka continued, elbowing the loud boy aside so he could add the ingredients. "Cabbage for the bitterness that comes with life. Mushrooms for wealth and prosperity. Tofu for the history we all carry and for the transformations we all go through in life."

"What are the udon noodles for," Sasuke asked, stirring his pot of soup. A sea of crab legs waved a greeting as they went in a circle.

"To fill your stomach," the chuunin responded with a cheeky wink. The Uchiha grunted in acknowledgment of the hit. "So says the Shabu Shabu King."

"And the other stuff," Naruto asked, sticking a chopstick into a piece of meat and another into a piece of sweet potato. The kotatsu looked like a tiny fairground of food with all the chopsticks the boy had stuck into things.

"It tastes good," Kakashi answered as he collected the chopsticks, rapping at Naruto's knuckles as he tried to touch some scallops with his fingers. "Less good if you keep it up. Listen to the Nabe King."

"It tastes best when you add miso at the end of the meal and drink the soup," Iruka hummed to himself. He threw a sharp look at the jounin, tossing a scallop into the nabe pot at the same time. "Which is why _shabu shabu_ is better, Nabe Lackey."

"You're ruining it," Kakashi mumbled, raising his hands innocently when Iruka pointed an accusing chopstick at him. "It all goes the same place. I thought we weren't going to fight about this anymore? Iruka-sensei, you want to start something?"

"I'll show _you_ something," the chuunin threatened, tossing a chunk of sweet potato into the nabe pot.

"I can't wait." Kakashi smiled in a way that was entirely too perverted for the genins' eyes, flipping a piece of fried tofu into the shabu shabu pot.

"Hurry up and stop flirting," Sasuke butted in. "I want to get to the part where we blow things up."

Iruka spluttered and stirred the shabu shabu pot vigorously, cheeks warming noticeably. Kakashi coughed, disguising the action as taking a bite of crab. Naruto looked curiously between his teachers, eyes squinted as his brain sluggishly attempted to make some very vague connections. He came up with oranges; an utterly confusing conclusion.

.

Dinner ended with a bang. Literally. Sasuke had gotten overexcited competing with Naruto over seeing who could make the soup hotter and had poured just a little too much chakra into the fire before he could be stopped. The group of shinobi had swung out the living room window, Kakashi clutching Ukki-san and Iruka lugging Shisha-kun with Naruto, emerging from a cloud of smoke still bickering over whether or not shabu shabu or nabe was better.

Anko stood on the roof across the street with a handful of dango sticks and choked on a particularly chewy piece of mochi when she saw the billowing smoke and the _plants_. Her mouth moved up and down as Kakashi shook his plant at Iruka who, with Naruto, shook the kuromatsu they carried in return. The orange-clad genin suddenly let go of his half of the pot, causing Iruka to stumble slightly at the weight shift, and lunged at the Uchiha boy next to him. She didn't notice with she let go of the sticks or the pattern they formed as they struck the ground.

Under the ledge below, Ebisu sighed in relief, wiggling his toes happily, the dango sticks perilously close but not impaling. He leaned over the sticks and frowned at what they spelled out, casting a glance towards the figures on the roof. _Ka_ and _I_ under an umbrella? _Impossible._ He kicked the sticks over and smirked to himself, stepped out and into a pothole, stumbled into a stack of boxes and upset a stray cat. It might have been a ninbyou by the way it clawed his face in anger.

.

Kakashi peered over the roof to the froth of smoke still billowing out from Iruka's house and hmmed thoughtfully. "Looks like that's a bust."

"That's my house down there," Iruka growled, shifting Shisha-kun to his hip so he had a free hand to poke the jounin with.

"Well, in any case, we can go blow stuff up for real," he chirped back, fingers already activating the quick-release on one of his side pouch scroll holsters. Sasuke smirked in an entirely evil way when he saw the fire containment symbols written on it.

"Kakashi-sensei, wait!" Iruka cursed as the jounin dashed away followed by the two genin. Curious shinobi and ANBU clustered on the rooftops to watch the New Years fireworks, a multitude of eyes following the group of shinobi and their plants dashing willy-nilly across the rooftops towards Hokage Monument.

The first explosions lit the sky as the Inuzuka clan took the lead. A series of bright lights streaked skyward and burst into a march of pawprints as another ball burst into the shape of a piece of meat. Howls cut the air as the Inuzuka cheered on the Akimichi clan. A series of flower bursts marked the Yamanaka contribution and danced away as the Naras took control.

Spears of earth shot skyward and burst into gobs of flame, exploding upon themselves in belching gulps as the dust ignited and re-ignited itself. Blue bursts of chakra danced skyward to encourage the fire shower. In the shadows of the bursts of light, a sextet of shadows hopped upwards, bouncing back and forth across the tiered roofs of the Hokage Tower building. Tsunade waved a rather large bottle of sake at them as they passed, staring blearily at the expressions of light and sound painting her village.

Kakashi giggled as he raced ahead, flipping the scroll in his hand. Sasuke dug his hands into his pocket and pulled out a similarly marked scroll and darted to the roof just aside the main one. Naruto shouted a challenge and darted after him. Iruka rolled his eyes, hefted Shisha-kun higher and picked up the pace.

He came upon the jounin just as he lay Ukki-san on the ridge of pipe that carried the power lines in a halo across the roofing planks. His head cocked curiously as Kakashi flung the scroll open and nicked a finger, twitching slightly at the sight of the blood. A series of shrieks went up in concert with a sudden succession of cannon fire as Sasuke's fireworks went up in a marching fountain of Katon Goukakyuu that lit the sky in a blaze of orange.

Iruka looked up briefly in appreciation before a soft settling sound drew his attention again. Highlighted by flashes of color, Kakashi produced a tube almost as tall as he, red warnings, dark in the gloom, painted up and down its length. He rolled his eyes and set Shisha-kun gingerly next to Ukki-san before going to stand by the jounin who was busy admiring his new toy.

"You'll shoot your other eye out," Iruka commented, running a finger down the launch tube.

"Maa, sensei. You have a dirty mind," Kakashi smirked, hooking an arm around Iruka's and leading him away from the _cannon_ he'd produced.

"I do not," Iruka grumbled, pushing at the jounin. "It's your dirty mind that makes you have delusions. You really should have it looked at. I know of a good Yamanaka who'd be all-too ready to help."

"You are too kind, yet again," Kakashi purred sweetly as he pushed the chuunin into a sitting position.

"So when are you setting it off," Iruka asked, eying the phallic object dominating Hokage Tower.

"At the optimal time, of course. After everyone else is finished showing off." Kakashi stretched out next to him with a cheeky smile.

"So... late then. Per usual." Iruka looked aside as another succession of explosions marked Naruto trying his hand with Sasuke's pyrotechnic toy. "Be careful or you'll lose a finger!"

"Naa, I'm okay, sensei- AAAAHHHH!" Naruto ran around in circles, small flames licking at his finger, surging over the punk he was using to light the fireworks.

"Oh, Naruto..."

.

It was a hair towards midnight when the fireworks display really heated up, turning the sky bright as day and white with smoke. Shinobi glowed on rooftops as they burned chakra to light ordnance, their positions marked by Tsunade who reminded herself to have a chakra-use re-education session issued to everyone. She swayed and waved her bottle as the clock counted down towards midnight, stumbling over TonTon who squealed and tried to jump on the chair so she could see out the window.

The air seemed to tighten as the explosions sucked the oxygen from the sky, breaking over the land in a torrent. The residents of Konoha screamed as the clock crawled towards midnight and the temple bells rung out, deep sonorous gongs announcing the coming year change. Everything was silent for a breath, each person pausing to light the long red strings of firecrackers that welcome the new year when it happened.

Kakashi leaned forward and with a casual flick of his fingers, flung a spark towards the cannon-pipe he'd set up. It ignited instantly, fuse racing to its end.

Iruka snorted at that, leaning back to watch the coming show. "Show off."

Kakashi's reply was lost as his firework tore the very air from the sky, sucking it away before it exploded upward and outward in a screaming fountain of starbursts that made the other light shows look like dim bulbs in comparison. Chakra bombs burst in air. Great eating arcs of lightning danced across the clouds and painted pictures in the sky. Fire limned the clouds and burned the moon, racing its lightning twin to crowd out the other displays. Staccato bursts of noise punctuated smaller bursts of lights that turned into shinobi fighting. A massive henohenomoheji plastered itself across the other displays and winked saucily, causing shinobi all across Konoha to groan. Words danced across the tie-dyed canvas of the sky in a question and Iruka laughed heartily.

_Impressed yet?_

* * *

**NOTES**  
Konbu – dried seaweed, similar to kelp  
Dashi – dried mackerel, usually either ground or as flakes to top rice or be used as a soup base. It's salty.  
Konnyaku – long translucent noodles made from yam  
Katon Goukakyuu – Grand Fireball  
Ninbyou - ninja cat

Shabu Shabu – hot pot with the ingredients added and removed during the course of the meal

Nabe – hot pot with the ingredients added all at once and eaten thereafter

Shabu Shabu King vs. Nabe King – Technically only "Nabe King" is an actual title. A "Shabu Shabu King" would more likely to be known as a "Shabu Shabu Queen" since this is usually orchestrated by the female head of the household [but can also e a free-for-all for everyone at the table] whereas the Nabe King tends to be the male head of the household. The Nabe King is the one who dictates what goes in and when and all food [and even the soup] must be to his specifications. It is _his_ ideal soup. At wintertime [or New Years] he may tell the importance of each item as it goes into the pot as a traditional teaching lesson.


	8. Jet Black New Year

Chapters getting harder to write, but day 8 done within decent time! Though.. not as early as I'd planned.  
At New Years, you need to visit shrines to receive your blessings and fortunes for the year. You also have to drink at every one.

Title :: Jet Blackout New Year  
Rating :: PG [they drink]  
Summary :: Our motley group goes to the shrines for New Years blessings and fortunes. They end up drinking a lot of sake.

* * *

"Okay, so that was fairly impressive. I'll give you that," Iruka sighed happily, tracing the last fading lights from the sky. Kakashi smirked to himself and mentally patted himself on the back, reminding himself of his general awesomeness.

"Just as long as you admit that you were impressed," he said. "I'll be sure to let everyone know how amazing you think I am."

"You _wish_ I thought you were amazing. From the tales Naruto's told, you're far from anything like that," Iruka retorted with a snort.

"Speaking of that vicious liar... It's after midnight. Let's get those boys smashed," Kakashi chirped, already scooping Ukki-san into his arms. Iruka picked up Shisha-kun's pot and rested it on his hip so he had a free hand to hit the jounin again.

"No one is getting smashed." Iruka paused as a drunken warble drifted up from the room below. "Well, _they_ aren't anyhow. Stop fixating on corrupting the kids, Kakashi-sensei. It's not right."

"We're shinobi. You're talking morals with me?" Kakashi snorted and leapt from the building, Ukki-san waving its branches in a wild farewell.

"Come on, boys! Kakashi-sensei is escaping! Let's go," Iruka called before jumping after the jounin, muttering to himself under his breath. "Cheeky bastard."

Naruto grappled with Sasuke who wasn't quite finished making fire or setting off bombs. He managed to land a punch across his teammate's cheek and snagged the stunned boy by the arm before dragging him after their retreating teachers. Sasuke kicked at Naruto's leg, flipped him and threw him away before darting forward. Naruto shrieked, summoned a clone and redirected his trajectory, launching a flying kick at the back of the Uchiha's head. Sasuke ducked, grabbing Naruto's ankle as he did so and flung him towards the edge of the roof. Naruto poofed out of existence and Sasuke instinctively looked up to blow a fireball at the Naruto attacking from above. Naruto disappeared in a puff as the flames hit him and Sasuke frowned, head snapping forward as Naruto appeared behind him to slap him on the back of his head before running off laughing to himself in self-congratulation. Sasuke snarled and charged after his teammate again. This continued on for several districts and provided much amusement to the ANBU lookouts stationed at the entrance to each sector.

A sea of bodies flowed through the streets and danced across rooftops as the citizenry made their way towards the various shrines and temples interspersed throughout the village. The shrines of protection and warfare were brightly lit from the lanterns visitors lit as offerings, typically the most popular sites in a shinobi village. Other shrines to luck, love, and family were also strongly represented, their bells tolling loudly as pilgrims cycled through. The trees outside the temple for missing soldiers were striped with fortunes and prayers, thoughts given to those lost along the way, away in far-off lands, and for all those perished during the year. Its sister shrine to peace was similarly adorned, swelled with foreign shinobi as visiting Suna-nin paid regards to their recent alliance.

Kurenai pushed through the crowd at the fortune box near the shrine for children and fertility, Asuma's wrist firmly in her grasp. She reached out, coin in hand, ready to offer her donation so she could pick her fortune when the grisly jounin pulled away. She snapped a glance at him, jumping when she followed his gaze to where Kakashi and Iruka were walking by, jostling each other with their elbows as they argued about something, a set of plants in their arms. Asuma raised a brow and scratched at his head as a bright orange blur pushed between Kotetsu and Izumo who were snacking on mochi to latch itself to Iruka's waist. Kotetsu choked as he shoved a too-large chunk of mochi into his mouth at that moment and Izumo patted him feebly to no avail. Sasuke hit Kotetsu hard between the shoulder blades as he walked by, rolling his eyes as the chuunin coughed out a thanks.

"Come on. We have several places to visit," Iruka called to Sasuke as he ruffled Naruto's blonde locks with a free hand. "We have to get our fortunes and blessings for the new year."

"This temple first," Kakashi ordered, nudging his fellow sensei towards a temple dedicated to blessing pets and household objects. "We have to get the dogs done."

"They won't like you calling them pets, Kakashi-sensei. You should take them to the summons' shrine," Iruka called, shaking his head.

"That too, Iruka-sensei. I'm just getting them doubly blessed. And who said they're pets? They're more of _objects_ than anything else," Kakashi finished on a mumble, pricking his thumb on a nail jutting out from the side of the shrine entrance and sliding it across his summons scroll as it unrolled. A series of puffs filled the air before a pack of dogs appeared, dour stares on their faces.

"_Objects_, brat? You want to rephrase that statement," the grouchy pug growled. Kakashi tilted his head curiously before smiling innocently and shaking his head, responding with a cheeky "nope". The dogs sighed as one, heads hanging.

"He's just joking. We're going to all the different shrines tonight," Iruka cut in, nudging the jounin aside. "This is just the first stop. We're going to get the stove blessed."

"Good save," Kakashi whispered, wincing as he blocked an elbow to the ribs. His dogs sniffed and turned their tails on him, choosing to lavish attention on the chuunin instead. The jounin frowned and hissed useless threats at them.

"Trouble, Kakashi?" Asuma sidled close to the fuming jounin and lit a cigarette, twitching an eyebrow as Kurenai caught his eye and made a cutting motion across her neck. He sighed and stubbed it, grumbling to himself.

"Trouble, Asuma?" Kakashi smirked, annoyance allayed by seeing Asuma's own.

"Where's the rest of my chocolate," the smoker muttered as he walked along with the progressively noisy group.

"Kurenai asking about it?" Kakashi responded, looked devious. Asuma mumbled something unintelligible before poking a finger at Ukki-san.

"What's with the plants," he muttered. "Your kids or something?"

Kakashi smiled broadly and shook the plant happily. "Something like that."

"Whatever. I'm off," the other jounin muttered as he wandered away, duty done. "Have a good one."

Kurenai grabbed his arm when he came within reach and shashined them away so she could grill him for gossip. He sighed just before the smoke took them away.

"Kakashi-sensei? Are you visiting this one too," Iruka called over his shoulder as they approached the shrine for children next to the one for pets and household objects.

"Ah, yes. This one too. Let's get fortunes and blessings for all the kids," he called back, grinning to himself.

Kakashi ended up dragging them to get blessings at a number of shrines. The dogs, plants, and genin ended up being classified as pets, household objects, children, friends, students, baking goods, and weapons. They were not amused when Kakashi had asked the priest to bless his "lackeys" at the fifth shrine or when he'd called them "training dummies" at the one after that and had responded by throwing their donation coins at him when he told them to draw their fortunes. Iruka had flung a brick at his head when Kakashi had stolen his hair tie asked the priest at the marriage shrine to "bless his lovely wife". That they'd gotten a brand new wok set because of it didn't soothe his irritation.

"Kakashi-sensei, this is getting a little..." Iruka hesitated to continue, staring doubtfully at the shrine for expecting mothers. Giggling and blushing women clustered around him as they reached forward to ring the bell. A heavily pregnant young woman cast him a look and giggled something to her friends.

"We need to get blessings to have good luck this year," Kakashi chirped, pushing him forward. "Hurry up! After this comes the sake!"

"Kakashi-sensei, please don't tell me we're going to visit _every_ shrine _just_ so you can get free stuff," Iruka mumbled, reluctantly swinging the bell rope to strike the bell.

"Maa, sensei. Naruto really liked that drum he got and Ukki-san and Shisha-kun really liked their wind chimes. Sasuke got candy at the last place and this shrine gives out anpan. It is our right to receive these things," the jounin responded, hurrying the chuunin towards the priest handing out blessings and good luck trinkets.

"Kakashi-sensei... I don't know about you," Iruka sighed, flushing slightly as the priest smiled knowingly and handed him a delicate paper fan with a fortune tied to its handle, bowing his thanks and scurrying away. Kakashi took the proffered pastry and waved jauntily as he followed the chuunin at a more sedate pace. His dogs stared up with wide eyes at the priest before he gave in and gave each of them an anpan as well.

"Iruka-sensei, are we really going to have to drink more sake," Naruto whined, twirling his drum between his hands to create an obnoxious don-don-don sound that set Iruka's teeth on edge.

"Naruto, stop that. And yes. Sake is for good luck and good health. You won't have to drink too much more though," Iruka promised, shifting the bag he'd gotten at the shrine for blessing food and cooking so it wasn't jabbing his hip anymore, ignoring the niggling sense of _wrongness_ he felt looming.

Thirty minutes later and Iruka's new bag was even more swollen as Naruto and Sasuke were given more paraphernalia at the weapons blessing shrine. He was mostly annoyed at the size of the Fuuma shuriken Sasuke had been gifted by a strange bespectacled white-haired priest. It took up most of the space in his bag and was poking at the small of his back. Kakashi had been gifted a swallow-painted tanto and Iruka the matching peony-painted one. Somehow, having a matching piece of weaponry grated on his nerves. It might just have been the knowing looks passing shinobi kept casting him. What were they looking at!

Naruto and Sasuke were clinging to each other and wobbling back and forth, both sets of cheeks red. Iruka frowned, feeling a little warm and unsteady himself. That last shrine had some really potent sake and the priest had all but poured it down their throats. His shirt had a damp spot from where the drink had spilled as he'd tried to escape the priest's assault and tried to twist away. Kakashi had ended up distracting the priest by pointing out Gai who was busy posing broadly on the temple steps and blocking traffic and had hustled his tipsy group towards the next shrine before they could protest.

"Come on, boys. We're not done yet," Kakashi called, smiling so broadly they could see it under his mask. The smile got bigger as the two boys groaned and tripped as a drunk Bisuke wandered in front of them. The next shrine was sort of wavering ahead.

That shrine was a mistake and an awful place dreamt up by Ibiki, Iruka was sure of it. It could be nothing less. The large phallic depictions better suited to a fertility shrine were incredibly off-setting as well. He didn't know what so many giant penises were doing so close to his face, but he wasn't sure he liked it. A cup met his lips and he opened his mouth without a thought.

His expression twisted and he felt his gag reflex activate when the sake touched his tongue. The cheap swill choked him and offended his taste buds, trapped in his cheeks and refused to be swallowed. The priest of the human rights and amnesty shrine smiled congenially at him, seeming not to notice the pained expression on his face. Maybe she was used to seeing people in pain. He smiled weakly and gritted his teeth as he forced himself to swallow.

Naruto was not so contained and spat the sake into the bushes. Sasuke looked a little green himself, but visibly forced himself to swallow. Kakashi looked perfectly fine, but there was a suspicious damp spot on the wall next to him where he'd most likely dumped the foul liquid rather than drunk it. Ukki-san and Shisha-kun shivered miserably in their pots, looking a little yellow as the priest happily poured some blessed sake into their pots. Kakashi frowned and backed away, shaking his head and shooing the woman. He almost tripped over his dogs who cowered behind him, eying her with bleary suspicion.

Iruka moaned out a thanks as the woman handed him a long ribbon and a fortune scroll, stumbling backwards in an awkward bow. Kakashi patted him sympathetically on the shoulder, pulling him away from the stone lantern he almost walked into. Naruto, however, was not so lucky and found the lantern with his knee, going down shrieking and flailing. His kicking foot caught Sasuke in the chin and the Uchiha stumbled back with a grunt. He pulled his fist back and found himself pulled off balance as Shiba caught hold of his sleeve and dragged him back. Guruko pulled on the seat of Naruto's pants as he cursed up a storm and the wobbly group finally proceeded to the next shrine.

The fourth shrine after had sake that went down like silken fire, tingling like lightning down their spines. Naruto and Sasuke failed to fully appreciate this fact as they bent over the bushes and heaved, Guruko and Bisuke leaning against their legs and looking fairly ill themselves. Iruka had the vague sense that he should try to comfort them, but he couldn't quite figure out how to do it while carrying Shisha-kun. He shifted the plant back and forth with confusion before giving up and leaning heavily against Naruto.

"Naru... Naru... Sasu... I think we need to... go home..." he mumbled, swaying heavily and blinking dizzily. "Kakashhh-sen... Can we go home?"

"One more. I promise. We'll go home after that," the jounin replied, looking far too awake and _perky_. Iruka had the feeling the man hadn't actually been _drinking_ most of the sake he'd been given.

"Bastard," Iruka moaned tiredly, trying to bump him with his shoulder. He mumbled something else before blankness swirled in.

Kakashi smiled broadly and caught him with one arm. Bull padded to his side, a saddle bag sling across his back. The jounin tucked his precious plants into the sacks and patted his ninken off with strict instructions to take the wretched genin home and to not let them throw up on the floor. Pakkun grumbled and barked out orders to his less-than-sober packmates, rolling an eye at his master at the same time.

Kakashi giggled to himself and scooped the sloshed chuunin into his arms before setting off towards the last shrine to get one last blessing and fortune, this one for hangovers. He could hear their new Hokage shouting as she enthusiastically rang the shrine bell chanting "No hangover! No hangover! No hangover!" It was turning out to be an interesting year already.

* * *

**NOTES**  
anpan – baked sweet pastry which is like a thin light spongey bread and is sometimes filled with sweet beans, sweet paste, or cream


	9. Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer

DAY NINE! ALMOST DONE!

Title :: We Got Run Over By A Jounin  
Rating :: PG [they has the potty mouths]  
Summary :: Mornings after are such a bitch, especially with a smug and perky jounin running around.

* * *

Iruka mumbled and batted at the thing tugging at his arm. His eyes creaked open blearily and slammed shut as unwelcome light barged in. He moaned, fumbled for the edge of his blanket and flopped over, covering his head with the blanket. A whole host of limbs poked him in the stomach and legs and he kicked them away fitfully, smiling muzzily as the offenders retreated and blissful nothingness closed in again.

When he sleepily opened his eyes later, it was still dark. He stretched and yawned, pushing a dog leg off his lap. He blinked in confusion and wiggled the dog's foot in front of his face. The dog attached kicked lightly in its sleep, almost hitting him in the face. He looked down, tugging on the leg. A drooling and entirely lax Bisuke snored in his lap, a huge bubble forming at his nostrils. Iruka rolled his eyes and pushed the dog away. Bisuke slid down the side of his thigh and landed on the nest his pack mates made between Naruto and Sasuke, kicking and snorting wildly suddenly in a dream.

Iruka smiled softly at the endearing sight, gently pulling Guruko's paw from where it was pressing Sasuke's cheek in. He giggled to himself at the perfect pawprint impression left on the genin's cheek. Suddenly the raw cottony taste of his own stale mouth hit him and he frowned, groaning as he forced himself into a standing position and stumbled across the maze of limbs in his living room towards the bathroom. He scrubbed at his face, mumbling to himself as he plotted how best to do his fellow sensei in.

It wasn't until he was scrubbing the film off his tongue and ruffling his hair tiredly that he realized his didn't actually feel _sore_—anywhere. He hurriedly spat out the foam and rinsed his mouth, splashing water over his face at the same time. He patted at his face and blinked at his unusual coherence. He flicked the bathroom light on, blinking rapidly at the sudden brightness and leaned in towards the mirror, opening his eyes as wide as he could. There was no redness, no unusual dilation. He patted his cheeks and sighed heavily, noting no throbbing at his temples. Curious.

"So you finally woke up," a voice came from his side. He jerked and glared at the jounin lounging against the door frame. "And you call _me_ tardy."

"What do you mean—_tardy_?" Iruka slanted his glare and crossed his arms. "What _time_ is it?"

"Tomorrow."

"_What!_ What _time_—_Is it?_"

"Just about midnight, tomorrow." Kakashi looked thoughtful and entirely oblivious of the threatening glare the chuunin was busy shooting him.

"Do you know what this _means_, Kakashi-sensei?" Iruka's hands tightened in his shirtsleeves, clutching at his elbows. Kakashi flinched imperceptibly, chakra sharpening at the edges in response to the sudden threat.

"Enlighten me, sensei. What does _this_ mean, pray tell?" He managed to say that in a flat, emotionless tone, but Iruka noticed the tiniest bead of sweat sliding down the side of his face, just above his mask, and smirked evilly.

"It means..." Iruka took a big breath and started shouting and clapping his hands. "_Get up, get up, get up! Everybody, get up now!"_

Kakashi paled as a number of groans filtered in from the living room. A thump sounded and a whine followed. A strange batting sound came after that, followed by a sigh of defeat. He backed across the hallway and peeked into the living room, rolling his eye skyward as the sad bloodshot eyes of Bisuke met his. The small dog flailed his legs and made a batting sound as he kicked at Naruto's face. The boy's arm was flung over the small dog and his hand was busy squeezing the hem of Sasuke's shirt. The jounin carefully stepped back as his blonde genin opened his mouth wide to display his tonsils, ducking around the door frame just as the boy sat upright, shouting about kicking someone's ass and throwing his teammate against the wall.

Kakashi peeked around the door frame again and was almost run over by a stampede of dogs as his ninken bolted from the coming destruction. Pakkun grunted past shooting daggers at Kakashi's knee as he passed. Guruko groaned and stumbled, bumping into the wall before he made it out the living room. The jounin smiled widely with pride before he ducked away to safety again.

"_USURATONKACH-Itai!_" Sasuke's shout cut off into a groan and Naruto's resulting screech likewise ended in a groan. He moaned and continued in a harsh whisper. "What the hell did you _do_ to me? _Everything hurts._ It hurts to _breathe_. I _hate_ you so much."

"Teme, what did _you_ do to _me_, you bastard! Ah!"

Kakashi went to peek around the door frame and flinched as Iruka punched his shoulder hard. He frowned and rubbed the sore spot as the chuunin pushed past him. Thumps made the walls vibrate as the two groaning boys grappled in the living room, each determined that the other had done something to cause his misery.

"Boys!" Iruka stepped between the boys, pushing them apart and holding small Yellow Cards in front of their faces. "This is all..." He broke off to cast an evil look at the jounin peering in curiously. "_Kakashi-sensei's_ fault."

Naruto shrieked, clutched at his head, and leapt towards his jounin instructor. He cried out again as his head connected with Sasuke's as he leaped forward with similar homicidal intent. Kakashi smiled and wiggled his fingers at them before disappearing in a puff of falling tangerines.

He appeared again as the boys stumbled out of the bathroom later, still squinting and groaning amongst themselves, and waved envelopes in their faces, broad smile apparent even through his mask. The boys frowned and slapped at his hands, aggravated as he skillfully evaded their reach. A slap to the back of his head made him sigh and stop moving long enough for the genin to take the envelopes. He still held the envelopes so tightly they had to struggle to pull them from his hands.

Kakashi turned a pitiful hangdog expression on Iruka, lip wibbling as he asked why the chuunin had hit him. The other sensei just rolled his eyes and slapped at him again, throwing a sudden punch at the jounin's ribs as the man dodged.

"We need to eat ozoni _now_," he ground out. "Or we'll have bad luck for the _whole_ year. It's already _late_, no thanks to _Kakashi-sensei_."

"I _tried_ to wake you up yesterday. It's _your_ fault if you didn't want to wake up. You were quite mean about it too." Kakashi pouted.

"So _you_ were the one poking me," Iruka muttered. "I didn't appreciate that."

"Maa, sensei. If I was really _poking_ you, you'd know—" Kakashi was suddenly interrupted by Sasuke's snort.

"Get a room," the genin muttered, holding the envelope up and squinting at the fire sprites decorating it. He rolled his eyes at his teachers' sputtered protests and frantic blushing. "Pochibukuro?"

"What about a dog?" Naruto squinted at his own envelope, giggling at the orange kitsune eating a bowl of ramen on it. Sasuke slapped him across the back of his head, dodging the return strike and clutched his head as it throbbed with the motion.

"_Pochibukuro_, not _Pochi_," Iruka chided as he caught Naruto's fist and waved a Yellow Card at him. "It's an envelope that is used to hold otoshidama. It's good luck money for the New Year. It's something families give to their children."

The blonde genin's slow smile lit up his face and made something in Iruka's chest twist painfully. He choked a little and ruffled the boy's hair, hands colliding with Kakashi's as the jounin tried to pat the boy simultaneously. He drew back quickly, feeling off balance. Sasuke sighed, aggrieved, as Kakashi patted him soundly on the head too.

"_I am in a place that has a lot of parasites..._ Is this a scavenger hunt," Naruto questioned, tilting the paper he pulled from the pochibukuro. Iruka gritted his teeth and flung a stack of kagamimochi at Kakashi's head.

"What the _hell_—" Iruka broke off as the jounin waved a Yellow Card in his face, kagamimochi stack carefully balanced on a finger.

"It's a _test_, sensei. I take my duties seriously after all," he chided gently.

"No tests," Iruka scolded, batting the card aside. "And don't call babies 'parasites'. It's rude."

"No fun, sensei. You gave the hint away." Kakashi looked aggrieved. Sasuke frowned.

"That still doesn't tell us where the money is," Naruto muttered. Iruka patted him on the back and glared at the jounin.

"I'm sure Kakashi-sensei will let us know where it is _sometime_ today, _won't he_," he asked sweetly. Kakashi arched his eye cheerfully and waved innocently.

"Ozoni time! Let's go before it gets cold," he chirped before sauntering rather quickly in the direction of the kitchen. Naruto swore and ran after him, yelling and waving his arms around, not noticing when he hit Sasuke in the face or the tube of toothpaste his teammate flung at his back.

"Let's go, Sasuke," Iruka sighed, patting the boy's back. "Ozoni can be good for hangovers if it's made right. Though..."

"I'm going to die," the genin stated flatly, making his way towards the kitchen as well. Iruka sighed softly.

"Yeah, we probably all will," he muttered, bad memories of gingerbread dancing through his head.

.

The ninken were busy cowering under the kitchen table, whining in misery from their over-imbibing the night before, though what the shrine priests were thinking by giving the dogs alcohol was beyond anyone. The soft shuffles of feet by their noses as Kakashi and Iruka grappled over what should and should not go in the ozoni made them groan.

Kakashi was determined that it should be sweet and Iruka disagreed, arguing that sweetness would be bad for a hangover. Iruka sliced takenoko and kamaboko, trusting the jounin to dice the chestnuts for kurikinton. Kakashi, abandoning his duty, ladled in kuromame, not realizing that Iruka had already thrown miso in the pot. The beans immediately sank to the bottom of the pot and were covered by the sliced gobo the chuunin added. Kakashi flipped in azuki beans and dropped in some cubes of agar jelly. He stirred the pot, poking lightly at the mochi balls bobbing inside before stepping away. The chuunin tossed in star anise when the jounin wasn't looking and went back to chopping.

They both added daikon squares and blocks of ittonkonnyaku, frowning in confusion at the cloud of miso and star anise bubbling up. They glared at each other, each hissing quietly. "What did you do? _Me?_ What about _you_? You remember what happened the _last_ time this..." They broke off to smile innocently at the two genin blinking dumbly at them.

"Excuse us," Iruka smiled, frowning at Kakashi and yanking the jounin away, whisper-yelling under his breath. Sasuke frowned and gingerly spooned a bowl of ozoni for Naruto.

It was the sound of choking that brought the bickering adults running. Naruto gagged as the too-chewy mochi ball stuck in his throat and he flailed uselessly on the ground as Kakashi's dogs tried valiantly to pound on his chest without hurting him. Sasuke bent over the sink, choking as well, this time in disgust.

"How is this lucky again," Kakashi muttered as he pounded on Naruto's back.

"It's _supposed_ to be lucky. I guess us being shinobi kind of offsets that though," Iruka sighed, grimacing as the mochi ball dislodged and flew across the room and stuck to the cabinets.

"Ah, well... That's understandable then." Kakashi patted Naruto, then smiled at Iruka. "Our turn to have a near-death experience!"

.

Kakashi grumbled to himself and rubbed at the new bruise adorning his skull. Headaches were becoming a common thing as of late, but he never seemed fast enough to dodge the chuunin when he was irritated. The genin snickered at him, aggravating his headache, and cried out in surprise as they broke open their kagamimochi to find miniature scrolls in the middle. Sasuke snorted when he realized they were miniature summoning scrolls, immediately guessing where the otoshidama had been.

Iruka bustled up, looking chipper as he shuffled a stack of postcards. "Okay, so we have to visit everyone and give these out to all our friends."

"Ugh, not _this_ too," Kakashi mumbled, glaring as the chuunin waved a bright orange and green card at his face. "Not _him_..."

"He _is_ your Eternal Rival," Iruka snickered, pushing the jounin out the door. "And hey, it's sunrise. Happy New Year!"

Iruka's impossible jollity aggravated the jounin as he made them visit the houses of every member of Naruto's graduating class. His good cheer made even Hyuuga Hiashi crack a hint of a smile as they formally greeted him and presented a lavish paper sculpture crafted from smaller postcards, visibly increasing as the Hyuuga Head gifted him an equally lavish kadomatsu decorated with golden cranes.

Iruka was just too _organized_ and _thoughtful_. He picked out postcards that fit each person. He somehow found a postcard covered in a rainbow of dango, the sticks made of tiny needles that could be used as senbon. Anko was thrilled and had given them a box of mochi, frowning slightly as Naruto and Sasuke both groaned. Kakashi snickered at her irritation, soothed of his own at seeing her accept the postcard from Iruka.

Iruka gave deer postcards to the Nara clan, receiving a plain, blank postcard in return. On a corner smudged with sauce were written the words "Turn over." He laughed as he realized there'd been another postcard glued to the back, this one with a giant piece of meat on it and scrawled greetings from both Akimichi and Nara. Kakashi glared at Shikaku, annoyed at the man's laziness.

Izumo and Kotetsu were obnoxiously loud, the two chuunin waving a mess of postcards at them as they approached the guard shack, each asking Iruka to make their deliveries for them. Kakashi stared at them with unnerving blankness as they shoveled off their mail on the chuunin sensei. Naruto loudly announced that he'd carry the postcards and immediately dropped at least half. Kakashi smiled at that.

Astoundingly, and disturbingly enough, Iruka even had a postcard for Ebisu. The tokubetsu jounin had stuttered something and tried to hand a postcard back, fainting when his fingers touched Iruka's by accident. Kakashi assured the chuunin that the man would be fine as he casually kicked him towards a ditch. Iruka had almost brained him with a flower pot for that one.

Kakashi's irritation with their delivery task only increased when they made it to Kurenai's house and had to endure her incessantly smug looks—at least _he_ did anyway. He got to exhibit a little smugness of his own when they reached Asuma's house and found the jounin looking a little more scraggy than usual, eyes red-rimmed from what was now universally understood to be a hangover. He made sure to greet his fellow jounin with his utmost enthusiasm, prompting Naruto to shriek his New Years greeting in a voice that made the windows shake. Sasuke covered his ears and smirked. Iruka kicked at the back of Kakashi's leg as he tried to smile apologetically while politely greeting the beleaguered man.

Kakashi's irritation turned to dread when they ran out of deliveries to make and he was left holding a large orange and green postcard. He groaned to himself, shooting a pitiful glance at Iruka. The chuunin shook his head and called out loudly, "Why, Kakashi-sensei! It is such a lovely day to be out and youth—"

A blur of green rushed by as Gai's booming voice shattered the morning quiet. "Dynamic Entry!"

Kakashi's eye dropped further. He sighed as if the end of the world was upon him and limply held up the card. "Gai-sensei. Akemashite omedetou gozaimasu." He paused and sighed heavily again. "I think."

Gai smiled happily, sparkling brightly in a strangely powerful sunbeam. He gave him a thumbs-up and bellowed, "My Eternal Rival, you have beat me in this year's challenge to be first to greet friends! You are most definitely worthy of being my Rival!" Gai turned up the wattage on his smile and beamed it at Iruka like a laser. "And you are also looking quite healthy and youthful for someone in your delicate condition, Iruka-sensei!"

Iruka faltered, blinking in confusion. "Eh, what?"

Gai pointed at his stomach and laughed roundly, teeth glinting blindingly. "Your coming addition to your little family! I heard!"

Iruka pressed a hand to his stomach, mind blank. Hazy memories of a heavily pregnant woman giggling conspiratorially at him wriggled to the surface and he gaped. He shot an enraged look towards Kakashi who was beaming like a proud father-to-be, amusement apparent in his eye. The man had immediately forgotten he'd ever been annoyed when he heard Gai's commentary.

"I know! I'm so excited too," Kakashi gushed, egging his rival on. Sasuke snorted and casually stepped back. Naruto squinted in confusion, peering between his teachers, focusing hard on Iruka's stomach. Nope. One and one still made orange.

"I-I-I..." Iruka shashined away without another word.

There was silence in the street for a brief moment as the shinobi looked between each other, Kakashi shrugging at Gai's questioning look. Five seconds later and they were running for their lives as a barrage of rattles came flying from a sudden cloud of falling baby toys.

"Must be hormones," Kakashi chirped happily, ducking as he was almost brained by a teething ring. Gai's smile grew brighter as he laughed, proclaiming his jealousy over his rival's most excellent and youthful "wife". A steel-edged sippy cup whizzed between them and bounced off the street, leaving a deep crescent-shaped gouge in the dirt. They sped up as a cradle mobile sliced through the air like a Fuuma shuriken, Iruka's shouts echoing down the street.

"I'LL KILL YOU!"

* * *

**NOTES**  
Akemashite, Omedeto Gozaimasu! - an official New Years greeting meaning "Happy New Year!" This is done formally and may be done in accord with the delivery of the New Years postcard

New Years is a time for new beginnings and there are a lot of things that have to be done: "first sun" (hatsuhi) or "first sunrise", "first laughter" (waraizome—starting the New Year with a smile is considered a good sign), first dream (hatsuyume), "first letter" (hatsudayori—meaning the first exchange of letters), "first calligraphy" (kakizome), and "first brush" (fude hajime). Since the traditional New Year was later in the year than the current date, many of these mention the beginning of spring.

Postcards are normally delivered on New Years day or are sent out so that they arrive at that time as a formal greeting for the New Year. Normally postcards aren't given out in the event of deaths in the family [especially considering the recent attack by Otogakure], but a ninja village is full of deaths so I'm assuming they don't adhere to that rule.

Ozoni (mochi soup) can be made any way you like. Some people prefer to make it a vegetable soup, others as a dessert soup with syrup and sweet beans. It can be _very_ chewy and particularly unpalatable if you're hungover, otherwise it's very good. Choking is not uncommon since the mochi is far chewier than dessert mochi.

The kagamimochi mochi can be broken open ceremonially by children and is believed to be a lucky start to the new year and is usually eaten with a slice of bitter orange. The pochibukuro presentation often occurs at the same time or just after the kagamimochi is broken apart. [also, Pochi is a common name for male dogs, similar to "Fido" and "Rover" in America]


	10. We Three Kings

Day 10. Almost over and this chapter... was very hard. *headdesk*

Title :: We Three Apologize  
Rating :: PG  
Summary :: Kakashi, Iruka, and Gai have to apologize for assaulting, well, everyone.

* * *

"We are very sorry, Tsunade-sama. This will never happen ever again." Iruka bowed.

"See that it doesn't." The Hokage sounded amused. Iruka frowned slightly, still bowed. He rose and bowed again.

"As mentioned, we will fully repay all the damage and deliver personal apologies to all parties who suffered loss." Iruka gritted his teeth, fingers twitching as he stared at the toes of his boots.

"No harm, no foul. It was amusing in any case. I can't believe it took you until today to catch him." Tsunade paused, most likely to take a swig from her ever-present choko. She sighed heavily and the sweetly pungent scent of high quality sake wafted through the room. "I'm just curious about one thing though."

"Hm?" Iruka paled.

"Just _how_ did he get all my baby things anyway?" There was no doubt about it. Tsunade was _very_ amused.

Iruka jerked up, tensing as he bowed again. He growled under his breath, irritated at the fingers grasping the back of his neck. Kakashi's low chuckle made his hands fist at his knees and he seriously considered delivering a crotch-shot punch at the jounin.

"Maa, he's a crafty one. He gets into _everything_." Kakashi practically purred as he stroked his fingers down the nape of Iruka's neck, smirking slightly as he felt the chuunin shiver imperceptibly. "He needs constant... stimulation."

"Kakashi-sensei!" Iruka popped up, cheeks burning, batting the jounin's hand away from his neck as he did so. "I can speak for myself!"

"We apologize for our rude outburst." Kakashi's hand latched itself to the nape of Iruka's neck again as he forced him into a deep bow. Iruka could _feel_ the jounin's smug amusement cloying the air.

"You need to train him better. Maybe provide more positive reinforcement, rather than negative." Tsunade chuckled to herself as Iruka visibly twitched at that.

"He just wants attention," Kakashi murmured.

"Oh, that's it! I am _not_ a dog," Iruka bellowed, ducking away from the jounin and kicking him in the knee. Kakashi, predictably, dodged that and promptly received a book to his face for his trouble. Iruka _was_ crafty.

"I now see why you are so much faster than I am, my Beloved Rival! Iruka-sensei is much faster than I'd ever—" Gai's shouts rattled the bookshelves, causing books to shift and reveal one of Tsunade's sake storage spots.

"Yes, yes. Youthful, blah blah blah. Thank you!" Tsunade waved a hand in Gai's general direction as she leapt into action, sliding the books back into place just as Shizune walked through the door. TonTon did her best to squeal on her but unfortunately, Shizune hadn't quite graduated from Pig-speak class yet.

Gai promptly teared, loudly protesting her dismissal. He opened his mouth to say something to Kakashi about it, paused, closed his mouth, opened it again, and said nothing. Even his sparkling aura seemed to fade. He looked left, then right, then up at the ceiling. Kakashi and Iruka were gone. Most curious.

"Farewell, ever-Youthful Hokage," he shouted, flamboyantly bowing to Tsunade who was busy shaking TonTon for being a squealer before pirouetting and leaping from her window with a cry. "Dynamic Exit!"

Tsunade gaped mid-shake, then shook her head and muttered to herself. "Damn, I'll never get used to that."

Shizune's eagle eyes spotted the dark shadow of a sake bottle behind Tsunade's desk and she pounced with an enraged shriek. "Tsunade-sama! How could you!"

Tsunade took the opportunity to stuff TonTon under her arm like a rugby ball and hustled it out the door. Moments later and an explosion of paperwork burst from the Hokage Office window to rain down on Izumo and Kotetsu who were toting the previous day's collection of complaints. Kotetsu cried out in surprise, threw up his bundle and attempted to flee in the distraction. Izumo wasn't fooled and planted a foot on his partner's back, sighing over the flailing body at the extra work they'd have to do.

Iruka perked up, ears twitching like a curious animal's as he turned towards the loud noises emanating from the center of the village. Fingers curled around his neck and cupped his face, squeezing his cheeks slightly before turning his head back and forcing him into a bow. He frowned at the ground and tried to elbow Kakashi.

"We are very sorry for causing the deer to stampede yesterday and for scaring them with self-mobilizing girls' dolls," Kakashi said, bowing Iruka's head and bobbing it lower at points he felt deserved more remorse. "We will repair the gates and we will build a tree blind so that you may have a place to watch over the herd."

Shikaku raised a brow at the back of Iruka's bowed head and smirked. He stroked his chin for a moment and smiled broadly. "A place of refuge from my wife, ey? I like the sound of that. Apology accepted. Forgiveness granted." He patted Iruka heavily on the back, snickering to himself. "Take care of yourself, okay? Don't let this guy stress you out. He's bad for your health."

Iruka looked up in surprise, frowning as Kakashi forced him down again. Shikaku snickered to himself, quieting as he heard his wife calling for him. He hurriedly shooed the two shinobi away and melted into the shadows. Kakashi took the hint and ran with it, disappearing with Iruka in a shower of dust motes, just barely escaping Yoshino. Shikamaru rolled an eye downward from his perch on the roof and muttered below his breath before pulling his scarf up and closing his eyes again. He groaned as Gai's voice broke through the quiet, calling for Shikaku and saying he had brought a vegetable wagon for the deer. The resulting stampede officially ruined his nap.

Kakashi and Iruka reappeared in a dramatic rain of mica and ume petals in front of the shop belonging to an old woman that Iruka had accidentally pied with a squid the day before during his rampage, Kakashi still holding him in a bowed position. The old woman giggled at the sight, not annoyed in the slightest about the squid. It was about time someone had remembered old Michiko!

"Now, dear. You should remember not to upset her in her delicate condition," she chided Kakashi, who didn't correct her on Iruka's gender, as she folded Iruka's hand over the handle of a boys' double drum.

"Maa, it's our first so I'm not used to—" Kakashi jumped slightly as Iruka tried to jab him with the drum.

"Ah, Obaachan, I'm not really..." Iruka flushed as the woman lay a knowing gaze on him.

"It's okay to be in denial, but you really shouldn't give your husband such a hard time. He only wants to do the best he can for you," she comforted. Iruka gaped, stomping hard on Kakashi's foot when he heard the jounin snicker. "It's because he's a _man_. He doesn't know anything. It's up to us to lead those ignorant men around."

Iruka slanted a look at Kakashi, smirking at the offended look in the jounin's eye. When in Snow Country, as the saying went. He plastered the most put-upon expression he could manage on his face. He sighed. "I know. Kakashi-sensei has the _smallest_ brain sometimes. I don't know how I deal with him."

"Hey, I—" Kakashi's indignant protest broke off as the old woman patted at Iruka's shoulder, twitching at the contact.

"There, there. This too shall pass," she murmured. She then pointed to the drum and pushed a small basket of toys into Iruka's arms. "These belonged to my grandson, but he's too old for them now. Your child will love them. They're pre-tested!"

"Ah... thank you..." Iruka looked startled and uncertain. He lifted up a miniature acupressure dummy and raised an eyebrow. It had a henohenomoheji face and a tiny spray of grey fur for hair. He smirked evilly and tucked it into his pocket, jerking sideways as Kakashi pulled on his arm.

"I'm sorry, but we have to go. So many things to do, people to kill," Kakashi chirped, waving broadly at the woman. She giggled and waved back, sighing at the ensuing cloud of dogwood petals. She was just about to sweep up the petals when a sound made her freeze and she dropped her broom, pushed aside the tanuki guarding her shop and hid in the crawlspace revealed. The tanuki slid into place just as Gai blurred into existence carrying a barrel of octopus on his back and shouted his traditional youthful greeting.

.

Kurenai giggled as Iruka dropped his toy basket in shock. He looked at her and pointed back and forth between her and the pile of baby paraphernalia dominating her living room. She smiled even wider and shook her head, pointing at him, then to the mass of baby goods. He paled and slumped.

"The old woman, I _get_. She's probably half-blind, but _everyone else_ too? Why does everyone think I'm pregnant," the chuunin moaned.

"Probably because you went to all those marriage and fertility shrines," Asuma mumbled, blowing a cloud of smoke towards the ceiling. Kakashi flicked a kunai and severed the burning tip from his cigarette. Asuma frowned and sighed as the cold ash peppered his lap. "Really?"

"Stop killing us slowly," Kakashi hissed, protectively stepping in front of Iruka as if his sheer presence could stave off the effects of secondhand smoke.

"I don't know what your deal is," the burly jounin mumbled around his cigarette as he tried to light it again. "It's not like there really _is_ a baby." He paused. "Unless there's something you're not telling us."

Iruka glared as he pried Kakashi's kunai from the wall. "Ex_cuse_ me?"

"Thought not," Asuma mumbled again.

"Are you telling me secondhand smoke doesn't kill," Kakashi asked, voice unnervingly sweet. "Try closing all the windows and lighting a fire in your house, then stay in the house without trying to put out the fire and tell me secondhand smoke doesn't kill. Stop killing us!"

"Asuma!" Kurenai snapped. The jounin in question sighed, a victim of unfortunate circumstances, and tossed his cigarette in the trash, mumbling about never winning.

"Well, I suppose I could donate these," Iruka mumbled, poking through the baby pile. He held up a familiar looking rattle and frowned, swinging it back and forth on his finger.

"Oh? That's where Tsunade's rattle went," Kakashi murmured thoughtfully as he plucked the toy from Iruka's hand. He tossed it up and down a few times.

"Oh, is that where it came from? It obliterated the right support pillar to the Yamanaka flower shop. It figures that Tsunade-sama would have a lead-cored baby toy that weighs the same as an Akimichi," Kurenai commented, carefully smearing plaster over the new hole in her wall. "I'm assuming the baby mobile that shattered my window came from the same place."

"Um, I am so sorry," Iruka uttered, blushing heavily as he bowed. Kakashi perked up.

"Oh? Please hold our things. We'll be back for them," Kakashi said quickly, hooking an arm through Iruka's and disappearing them in a shower of love letters marked "To Kurenai, From Asuma."

"Bastard," Asuma grumbled, toeing a particularly gaudy letter. He groaned as Kurenai's recently-repaired window flew open, shattering as it hit the wall as Gai tumbled in with an extremely boisterous "Dynamic Entry!"

"Just missed them," Kurenai sang as she moved a vase to block her newly-patched hole in the wall. Gai drooped.

"Again?"

.

Iruka ended up being extremely thankful for his "youthful vigor" as he ended up being forced by Kakashi to bow at least a thousand times to hundreds of different people for the things he'd apparently inflicted upon them. Had he really thrown a whole swing set _through_ the tofu factory? He blamed it on the fact that neither Kakashi nor Gai would take their punishment like the jounin that they were.

He was startled by the sheer number of people who seemed to be gender-confused about him and had ended up going along with all the congratulations over his recent pregnancy. Kakashi seemed thrilled at all the well-wishing and had gladly—greedily—accepted all the gifts that came with it. He supposed he'd be getting sympathy cards months later when no baby made its bouncing appearance. It was definitely all of Kakashi's fault. Speaking of his crazy friend...

Kakashi carefully tilted the box Ebisu had handed him, shaking it slightly and knocking on it at different points. Iruka frowned. Where had Ebisu-sensei gone anyhow? The tokubetsu jounin had just been standing there a moment ago, and why was Kakashi rattling the box so seriously?

Kakashi shrugged and opened the box, slammed it closed and burned it with a katon. Iruka shouted in protest as the last ashes fell to the ground.

"What the _hell_ was that about," he demanded, shaking Tsunade's baby rattle at him threateningly. Kakashi shrugged again.

"It was not for your eyes," the jounin muttered. "It was not for _anyone's_ eyes."

"Well, it won't be _now_ that it's been incinerated, thanks to you," Iruka pointed out. He frowned. "And where has Gai-sensei been? He was supposed to have come with us."

Kakashi was silent for a moment, looking frantic as he twitched slightly. He rushed forward and dragged Iruka with him. "No time," he called over the chuunin's stuttered protests. They shashined away just as Gai swirled in dramatically, a whirlwind of leaves stabbing at the ground.

"Dynamic Entr-... KAKASHI!"


	11. The Big Heist

Day...11! OH EM ESS! I am almost done with this! *crawling towards finish line*

Title :: The Big Sale  
Rating :: PG  
Summary :: Kakashi and Iruka dodge, well, everyone and plan the ultimate distraction—a fukubukuro [lucky pack] surprise sale.

* * *

Iruka breathed hard, fingers of one hand tight on the wrist of the hand pressed over his mouth, fingers of the other digging into the arm wrapped around his waist. He strained against the unwelcome embrace, heart racing as he did his best to gnaw through the leather of the glove to reach sensitive flesh. The heel of his foot dug into the insole of his captor's foot and his captor wrapped a leg around the offending appendage, further keeping him off balance. He huffed and changed tactics, reaching back to feel for the soft fluffy bush of hair behind him. His fingers curled into the hair and pulled.

His captor grunted, mumbling in his ear as a hot rush. "Stop it, Iruka-sensei. The enemy is _still_ out there."

Iruka rolled his eyes at Kakashi's melodrama, sucking in a stifled breath of surprise as the jounin sank back against the wall of the closet and folded over him. He flailed weakly, pinned on all sides and feeling entirely overwhelmed as Kakashi pressed his chin to his shoulder and mumbled a warning to stop moving so much. A series of thumps had them freezing as the closet door swung open.

"See? Nothing in here. We already check this one," came Sasuke's deadpan voice.

"I'm telling you, I _heard_ something," came Naruto's insistent cry.

"Dammit, why are Kakashi-sensei and Iruka-sensei so good at hide-and-seek anyhow," Sakura chimed in. Both teachers could almost hear the girl's dark side pounding them to a bloody pulp in her head. Iruka limply curled into himself. If they were spotted now, it would be better for Kakashi to be the bigger target.

"Let's look somewhere else," Sasuke said, swinging the door shut.

"Ne, aren't we supposed to be looking for Gai-sensei too," Naruto asked.

"I don't think we have to look for him," Sakura replied, sounding bored. "Lee was out walking when his crutch got stuck in a pothole. Guess who made a Dynamic Entry to take him to the hospital to get it replaced?"

"Che. Weakling," Sasuke muttered.

Iruka could feel Kakashi _laughing_ as the jounin shook around him. He rolled his eyes.

"Well, he managed to dodge the first thirty sacks of rice Tsunade-sama threw at him. He got tagged by the next ten though," Sakura continued. "He did better than Ebisu-sensei in any case. Ebisu-sensei got KO'd by a class picture with Iruka-sensei in it." Iruka felt Kakashi tense. "Konohamaru is almost as tricky as you, Naruto."

Naruto laughed loudly at that, congratulating himself once again for having taken out the tokubetsu jounin with his Harem no Jutsu. Their footsteps faded away as they walked down the hall towards the door. Just before it closed, Sasuke could be heard muttering a quiet "shameful".

Kakashi waited tensely for a few moments more before sagging with a heavy sigh of relief. Iruka took the opportunity to elbow him hard before breaking away. He flung the closet door open incautiously and stumbled free from the closet, tripping and falling as he felt a hand clutch at his ankle.

"Kakashi-sensei," he cried out, kicking at the jounin with his free leg. Kakashi calmly caught hold of that one too, using Iruka's kicking momentum to flip him onto his back. In a flash, he was sitting on the chuunin's stomach, eye harsh and focused.

"Nice to see you too, Iruka-sensei. Did you see what you did to my _glove_," the jounin purred dangerously, waving his rat-bitten looking glove in front of Iruka's nose. "It was my favorite too."

Iruka snorted and attempted to bite the article of clothing again. He grinned maliciously as Kakashi yanked it back with a frown. "Just buy another one. The Fukubukuro New Years Sale is tomorrow anyhow."

"Not a fan of lucky packs," Kakashi muttered, sounding put out. "Must be the ninja in me."

"Luck's got only a little to do with it," Iruka grunted as he tried to take advantage of the jounin's distraction to flip him. Kakashi casually flicked his nose and shook his head.

"Behave yourself, sensei. Or do we have to make another visit to Tsunade?" He arched his eye happily at that, visibly plotting something. Iruka sighed heavily.

"No." He looked at the wall and pouted.

"Good boy." Kakashi patted the chuunin on the head and almost got his fingers bitten for it. He tsked quietly and flipped himself off Iruka's stomach, darting out of strike range with his legendary speed. He scrubbed at the back of his head and looked blankly around. "So... Where do we hide next?"

"We aren't going to _hide_ anymore," Iruka chided as he stood.

"Well, we _did_ just come out of the closet," Kakashi mumbled thoughtfully to himself. Iruka flung a dog vest at him.

.

Despite his protests, Iruka found himself slinking around with Kakashi, jumping at sounds and darting into shadows as people passed. He huffed and shook his wrist, annoyed at how firmly the jounin held it. He was also severely annoyed at himself for having gotten dragged into things yet _again_.

The day had started off well enough. He'd tripped over Naruto who was busy hugging Ukki-san's pot and snoring in front of the doorway, stepped right in a pile of Kakashi's dogs, and fallen into the jounin's arms as he'd come down the hall with a new blanket for the kotatsu. Then his front door had flown open and Gai had burst in, sobbing apologies in between challenging Kakashi and alternatively praising him for his quick wits and skillful evasions and griping about how much better at everything the Copy Nin seemed to be. It had taken a while until Gai's ramblings could be deciphered and Iruka realized he was receiving an apology from Gai for thinking it was possible for him to get pregnant.

He'd shakily tried to calm the overwrought jounin down when Tsunade had thrown open the door and shouted something about "being in the red". Kotetsu and Izumo had blundered in after, each carrying his wallet and looking pitiful. Well, only Izumo had been carrying his wallet. Kotetsu had been carrying his biggest jar of syrup and looking absolutely crushed.

Madness descended after as Tsunade revealed that she wanted everyone to offer up his or her most valuable possessions to be pawned—sold, she didn't mean to say "pawned"—so she could balance the books. Iruka hadn't known quite how to explain to her that pawning items within the village wouldn't generate new funds, just recirculate the previously existing debt, but numbers were lost on the Hokage and she'd run roughshod over all of them.

Naruto had woken up with a drooling shout about his superiority over anything and everything when the idea had hit Tsunade like a chidori. It was a horrible, awful, wonderful idea. She decided every shinobi in the village would have to take part in a multi-village athletic competition event. That then led her to declare an immediate and merciless sudden-death game of Tag to test her soldiers' "wit and reflexes".

"Think of the revenue!" she'd shouted with drunken glee as she'd first starting whipping balls at bone-breaking speed. The stint in the weapons market had been worse as her projectiles had turned both heavy _and_ pointy as she'd snatched random things from stores and begun to fling them at random unsuspecting shinobi. "Think of the village!"

The loud, inebriated, overpowered woman had managed to "tag" everyone in the village except Gai, Kakashi, and Iruka who found himself being dragged to improbably places with his grey-headed friend as they fled for their lives. All their previous comrades ended up drafted into the hunt and the trio, finding themselves with enemies on all flanks, had split up in hopes of having more success at survival. Of course, Kakashi hadn't released Iruka so the chuunin had been forced to defend _both_ of them as they systematically mowed their way through Konoha at breathtaking speeds.

They'd been running through the Forest of Death with both ANBU and a massive python on their collective tails when Kakashi had kawarimied them into the hall closet. The poor sculpted monstrosity Ebisu-sensei had gifted Iruka as a souvenir from Rice Country never stood a chance. He had never been sure what to do with the large-busted, massive-penised thing anyhow.

.

"Let's—" Iruka broke off and yanked back to gain Kakashi's attention. The jounin rounded on him, eye dark with irritation. "Let's just sell all the crap we got and give Tsunade the money so we can end all this insanity," he continued, firming himself against all coming arguments. Kakashi stared at him steadily, giving nothing away.

"Do you _want_ us to have bad luck, Iruka-sensei," the jounin asked quietly. "You _know_ how much we'll need it over the year. We must have used up at least a quarter of it just this morning. Tsunade-sama is _tenacious_."

"We still have all the fortunes you won't let us read yet," Iruka protested, stumbling as Kakashi took off again. "Fukubukuro! Lucky packs will probably bring us luck too if we sell them! We got so much stuff that it's probably _bad_ luck to keep it! What am I going to do with _five_ cradles! I'm not pregnant and I don't have a baby!"

Kakashi paused mid-step and looked back at him curiously. "You don't want to have a baby?"

"How many times do I have to tell you. I _can't_," Iruka stressed.

"Can't or won't," Kakashi countered.

"_Can't!_ I'm not a woman, you know!" Iruka slapped at Kakashi's head and missed. Kakashi shrugged at that.

"Does it matter?"

Iruka threw a rock at him.

.

In the end, Iruka won. They'd slunk back home, avoiding the now-rabid patrol searching for them, snickering as rumors of ANBU gone mad from seeing a horrific sight in the Forest of Death, some swearing celibacy forever, filtered through the streets.

They'd had to get creative with the picking and choosing of items, pulling fortunes from items gotten at temples and tying the fortunes to Shisha-kun's branches, pulling things from cupboards and hiding places, piling mismatched dishes and recently-received children's toys into small mountains, Kakashi surprising Iruka when he kept producing things from his own house at random times to throw in the pile. They had been staring at the mass of odd-sized objects they'd amassed in the living room until Kakashi visibly lit up and pounded his fist into his palm with a surprised "Oh!" and disappeared. Iruka had been frantically struggling to his feet when the jounin had popped back into existence toting bags of storage scrolls.

"Jyan!" Kakashi proudly displayed his collection of nondescript scrolls, each the same size and color, none looking distinct from the others. "These are perfect!"

"Why do you have all these? You're certifiable," Iruka muttered, scooping up an armful.

"You are so kind, as always," Kakashi hummed, poking him on the shoulder. He rubbed his hands with glee. "Now. Let's get separating!"

Kakashi initially separated things by color. He'd formed neat stacks of red cups to go with red bowls, piled with red ribbon and red leaves which Iruka had immediately thrown away. He'd found lucky frog statues in a multitude of colors _somewhere_ and had been happily parsing them out into lots until Iruka had recognized Naruto's illegible scrawled name on the bottom of one and had ordered them put back where they'd come from.

"He won't even miss them! You saw how messy his house was," Kakashi whined as Iruka steadily cited him Yellow Cards.

"No." Iruka was immovable.

Iruka, on the other hand, liked to separate things by pattern. He matched flower-painted lacquer bowls with flower-painted cups and a flower patterned sash. He put frog-patterned fans with frog-patterned chopstick holders. He'd been placing a frog-rattle down next to a frog drum when he realized his things were out of order yet _again_, sighing with defeat as he realized Kakashi had started to rearrange things by _size_ somewhere in the middle..

"Maybe we should just separate things out by type," he muttered, pulling a large practice shuriken from a pile of baby toys and glaring at Kakashi.

"Why be predictable," the jounin asked, trying to take the shuriken back. "It'll ruin my reputation."

"Because someone could _die_," Iruka barked, slapping at Kakashi's grabby hands. "Stop that!"

Kakashi's clone stole the shuriken and Iruka tackled it, startling as the real Kakashi yanked him back causing them to fall into their semi-neat—not really—piles as they flailed around. Blue mixed with orange, rice bales mixed with koi, big with small, sharp with soft, and in the end, the two of them lay gasping in a rainbow of _things_, each clutching the other's shirt, unwilling to admit defeat. Pakkun sat in the doorway and rolled his eyes, calling them both massive idiots.

"Okay, surprise it is," Kakashi managed, grunting as Iruka managed to punch him in the stomach. "Compromise. I like it. Boys!"

Kakashi and Iruka, in their compromise—read, unwillingness to compromise—ended up sorting the items for the lucky packs by having Kakashi's dogs each take a set number of scrolls and to just _catch_ thirteen of each item—because thirteen is lucky—and store them in the scrolls so that neither of them would see what was hidden therein. The dogs found themselves severely tested as slowly tossed items became a barrage as Kakashi and Iruka tried to see which items the other was choosing and tried to match them with the items they thought would best fit. It took Ukki-san flying through the air and Kakashi leaping to catch it before they realized they'd sorted everything and run out of goods for their fukubukuro.

Uuhei and Guruko became messengers and raced through the village spreading news of the super secret guerilla fukubukuro sale being held in the Forest of Death for one hour only—and don't tell the Hokage! Masses of curious shinobi clustered in small groups, whispering madly amongst themselves as the dogs blurred away. Those were Kakashi's dogs! The sneaky jounin hadn't been caught all day! This was their chance! And maybe they could get their hands on some elite Copy Nin swag. A few kunoichi swooned slightly at that thought.

Kakashi and Iruka crouched in the trees keeping an eye on the stack of scrolls next to signs declaring all the rules for the fukubukuro. Nervous shinobi milled around the pile, checking for traps and trying to read the signs.

Kakashi and Iruka's Happy Fukubukuro Sale! Irrashai!  
Rule one: Shinobi buyers only. Items in fukubukuro may be deadly and/or poisonous. We are not responsible for your doom.  
Rule two: No getting stabby during the bidding/buying process. Fight over who gets what on your own time.  
Rule three: Don't tell the Hokage. We will all die.  
Rule four: —Rule four not actually a rule— Iruka-sensei is unable to become pregnant and requests that all rumors about his forthcoming motherhood cease and desist immediately. (A happy henohenomoheji punctuated this.)

"Hmm, you know that will only start an entirely new set of rumors," Kurenai commented, appearing on the branch next to Iruka. He groaned.

"When did he add that? I _told_ him not to add that," he hissed, imagining a sharp doom upon his friend.

"You'll never win against that one," Asuma huffed, settling on Iruka's other side and grumbling about chocolate. "He's tricky."

A bright red puff of smoke popped into existence atop the scroll pile and wafted away to reveal a dour looking Pakkun. He rolled his eyes at the curious shinobi hovering around him and raised a paw.

"Yo, brats. Secret-not-to-be-revealed-to-the-Hokage-upon-pain-of-pranking-fukubukuro-sale starts now," he deadpanned, disappearing in a green puff of smoke. From somewhere in the crowd, Anko screamed and lunged toward the pile of scrolls and immediately found herself trussed up in a slimy suit of overdone ramen noodles. Pakkun appeared again, this time on Bull's head. "Oh yeah. I forgot. You go through me first."

Hands appeared around Iruka's face and he barely had time to blink before they clamped over his mouth and he was yanked back. He groaned as Kakashi's voice whispered in his ear as they fell away to the earth and disappeared in a shower of leaves.

"Let's go hide while everyone is distracted again. I hear the closet's particularly nice this time of year."

* * *

**NOTES**  
fukubukuro - "lucky packs" are bags or boxes or other "surprise packages" which can be purchased at set prices or during auction and are filled with undisclosed items of a total value higher than the packages themselves. Fukubukuro sales tend to occur in the spring and often are first held at New Years and again in March. They can be held anytime otherwise as well. They are also good ways of getting rid of lots.


	12. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

So... DAY TWELVE IS HERE! But... I think there needs to be a bonus chapter [for luck!] so Iruka can get some vengeance.

Title :: I Saw Daddy Kissing My Other Daddy  
Rating :: PG  
Summary :: Iruka _finally_ gets a little peace and finds that things are _too_ quiet. There's... There's finally a kiss? Sort of.

* * *

The only sound in the room was the unnaturally loud needle on the clock and the soft sound of breathing.

_Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick._

Iruka's chin slowly slid from its rest on his palm and he almost brained himself on the kotatsu. He blinked in surprise and reseated himself after casting a furtive glance around. His only witnesses, Shisha-kun and Ukki-san waved at him across the room, taunting him with the fortunes hanging from their branches, but were otherwise silent. They wouldn't be telling any tales.

He sighed. The boys had abandoned his home to go on a brief mission to rescue some pet of some sort from some calamity or another. He hadn't really been listening to the specifics as he'd been trying to beat off Gai who had been clinging to his waist and sobbing in delirious joy as he praised him for his skillful evasion of their beloved Hokage the previous day as well as his "incredibly brilliant, genius, and innovative solution" to dealing with her rampage. It hadn't even been the village in debt, just her.

The dastardly woman had been lying in wait when they'd gone to deliver the money they'd earned from their illicit sale the day before, pouncing on the proffered purse like a greedy bandit, eyes glowing with avarice as she rambled to herself about "being saved from the sharks". She'd then slapped Team Seven with the mass of D and C-rank missions she'd essentially begged for and sent them off running.

Surprisingly—or not-so surprising considering the speed at which gossip travels in a shinobi village—a rather sizable group of visiting trade and ambassador shinobi had appeared at the guerilla sale with their hefty purses and ended up leaving with wallets significantly lighter—and with the sad news that Konoha's beloved sensei was unable to bear children. They would later go to the shrine for fertility and children and light incense for him before reporting all the happenings to Tsunade. She had been amused. Iruka, less so.

He sighed again, wiggling a foot in bored impatience, shifted his weight and sighed again. He cast a sidelong glance at the papers awaiting grading and looked away again. He sighed.

There were papers missing, papers torn, papers stained, and papers doodled on. Within a few days of visiting, his house had been turned upside down. Kakashi had first dumped their ill-fated, never-to-be-spoken-of-again gingerbread upon a mat of test papers, officially ruining them with oil before Iruka had even noticed. The next few had been alternatively burned and stained as Naruto competed with Sasuke over who could better work the grill. It had been and would always be Sasuke.

He poked at the stack of papers for a moment before sweeping them into the bag at his side. He'd just tell the kids they were stolen by a rogue ninja. They'd love that.

He drummed his fingers on the kotatsu tabletop and groaned, forcing himself to stand. A series of thumps had him pausing to peek under the kotatsu blanket. He rolled his eyes. Kakashi's stash of _Icha Icha_ had gained a friend. Another stack of books cascaded in a slope from where he'd accidentally bumped it. He dropped the blanket, determined to ignore the mess. He'd let Kakashi deal with it.

He danced over the maze of blankets strewn across the living room, not all that inclined to deal with the mess. He peeked down the hallway and sighed again. The once highly-polished floorboards were frosted with streaks left from the dirt they'd tracked in the previous day during their closet escapade. He'd forced Kakashi to clean the mess, but the lazy jounin had kept running away in the middle of it prompting Iruka to chase after him waving cleaning rags.

He turned towards towards the kitchen, determined not to pay attention to the floor. He'd get Kakashi to re-clean it later. He peeked in the kitchen and sighed again.

The wok-pot they'd gotten at the marriage shrine proudly dominated the kitchen counter next to a neat stack of bowls that were a curiously beautiful amalgamation of his and Kakashi's patterns. He frowned at that. When had so many of the jounin's dishes moved into his kitchen and how did the man manage to find a matching shuriken pattern to his blanket sets?

He padded his way towards the counter and tilted the wok-pot with a finger, smiling to himself. The jounin had been adamant that they keep it, claiming it to be the luckiest thing they'd gotten. Iruka had to admit that the first meal they'd made with it had been _delicious_—not that he'd admit it to the smug jerk. His ego would crowd out everyone in the room if he heard that.

Iruka tapped the dish for a moment then sighed again, unaccountably _bored_. He paced back and forth for a bit then wandered out of the room, drumming his fingers on the wall as he went.

He went to the genkan and let out a breath. It looked empty if he would be honest with himself. He'd gotten so used to another pair of boots living there that his own looked lonely sitting there. He tapped his foot for a moment then went to the shoe cupboard, grinning in triumph as he found what he was looking for. He pulled out Kakashi's spare set of boots and set them neatly next to his. There. Now they wouldn't be lonely.

That done, he wandered back towards the living room, pausing to cast a curious glance over the sparkling tiles in the bathroom. They _still_ hadn't figured out what was causing all the _glinting_.

He stopped in the middle of the hallway and blinked. He scratched at the back of his head and ruffled his ponytail, tilting his head left, then right. He meandered towards the end of the hall and crouched down, rolling his eyes as he saw the hilt of a katana obscured by the shadow of the hall table. That wasn't his _either_. Whatever.

He turned to go back towards the living room and glanced in the hall mirror as he passed, stopped and stepped back, blinking curiously. Nestled in the curve of his shoulder was a picture he _knew_ shouldn't have been there. He turned, peering into his bedroom. The framed picture of Kakashi's chuunin team sat next to the picture of Team Seven Naruto had given him a while back. He snorted at that. If asked, the jounin would probably say that it was there to keep the other picture company. He'd deal with it later.

Iruka waved a hand towards the picture in dismissal and wandered back the way he'd come, hopping and sliding slightly just for kicks. He swung open the hall closet as he passed, glancing in and double-taking at the huge _Icha Icha_ movie poster hanging there.

"Meh," he grunted, flicking the door closed. "Later. I'll deal with it later."

The living room, Iruka found out, was still a boring place to be. He flopped on the ground with a heavy sigh, flailing in a brief spastic moment of sheer boredom in his nest of blankets. Waiting for the school session to restart had never taken so _long_.

He pulled the tiny acupressure Kakashi-doll he'd gotten from his pocket and shook it slightly, mentally sending questions to the jounin in question. _Do you know how boring things are when you're not around!_ He rolled over with a sigh and stared at the rainbow of paper strips tied to Shisha-kun and Ukki-san's branches. He looked away, then turned back, curiosity piqued. No. He _promised_. They would read their fortunes on the seventh.

Ukki-san, ever the mischievous one, waggled its branches in a tempting manner, sending its streamers dancing. Shisha-kun, not to be left out, wiggled its own branches as well. The little scarecrow gingerbread decoration on its branches jiggled back and forth in a mocking manner. Iruka glared.

"Oh. _That's_ it."

He found himself guiltily prying apart the sealed edges of the fortunes marked with his name, a small bowl of mochiko paste next to him so he could reseal them. He cast surreptitious glances around him as he worked the sharp end of a senbon along the fragile rice paper, feeling like a criminal. Ukki-san and Shisha-kun stared at him in silent accusation. He could _feel_ their disapproval. He frowned and turned his back on them, refusing to be shamed by a bunch of plants.

He peeked at the lines of characters listing the different predictions for the year, eyes inexplicably drawn to the section reserved for love and relationships. He tried to force himself to look at the other sections to see how his health or even his wealth outlook was, but he couldn't stop himself from peeking at that accursed part of the paper. He grumbled to himself and gave in.

_Love Fortune: Outlook, much improved! Look forward to developments in the near future._  
_House and Home: Open your doors to visitors. You will not be disappointed._

He rolled his eyes. That sounded like the one he'd gotten the year before. He opened another one, tossing it down to join its mate.

_Love Fortune: Outlook, exceptional! Love will be on fire!_  
_House and Home: Expect new inhabitants! Your lonely life will be inundated with light._

He snorted at that one. Did Gai write these things? They were _awful_. Maybe he'd read one more, just for a laugh. Just one.

Half an hour later and Iruka was sliding his senbon along the sealed edge of one of Kakashi's fortunes, his own, a thick stack of papers forming a rainbow next to him. _Why_ were these things so addictive? He really felt like a creeper now.

He opened the first fortune, a delicate pink paper with dark red text. He skimmed the paper, instinctively seeking his new guilty pleasure. Luck. Wealth. Health. Property. Life. Family. Love and relationships—there it was, wedged between the fortunes for friends and enemies. Strange.

_Love Fortune: Outlook, looking good! Expect advancement from an unexpected source. Be ready to accept this new attention!_  
_House and Home: A friend opens his home to you. Be a good guest and bring nice gifts!_

"What!" Iruka whispered harshly to himself. "What a corny thing!"

He couldn't help himself. He tossed it aside and tore open the next fortune, this one sky blue with navy blue words. He skimmed the paper, seeking the now-incredibly familiar characters.

_Love Fortune: Now's the time to make your move! Your attentions will most definitely be reciprocated. Proceed with confidence!_  
_House and Home: Expect a change in residence. Be pro-active and make this new house a home!_

"Seriously! Who's writing these," Iruka hissed, throwing that one aside and haphazardly tearing open a green one, wincing as it tore almost in half in his haste. "I'll fix it later."

_Love Fortune: Expect great things! You will be_—

"Maa, what's this?"

Iruka froze as a _very_ familiar masked face peered over his shoulder. He felt an insidious heat crawling up his neck as the reality of his situation trickled in through the mush his brain had become. Busted!

"Na, Iruka-sensei! We're back!" Naruto burst in with a loud cry, providing the perfect distraction.

Kakashi turned slightly to remind the boy to drop his muddy jacket in the laundry room and Iruka took the opportunity to shove the fortunes in his pocket, plastering the most innocent expression on his face he could manage when the jounin turned a suspicious eye on him.

"Hm? Are you peeking," Kakashi asked, scooping up the pile of fortunes next to him. He shook them under his nose with a soft tsking sound. "Sensei. I'm ashamed."

"I didn't _look_," Iruka ground out, the blush crawling up his ears belying his statement.

"Hey! Iruka-sensei," Naruto called, bounding back in minus his jacket. Iruka had never been so happy for the boy's lack of manners before.

"Naruto! How did your day go," he called back, resolutely ignoring the jounin crowding his personal space.

"Na, sensei! We found out something cool," Naruto yelled. Sasuke wandered in and sighed, Sakura following with flushed cheeks and starry eyes.

"Oh, that's right," Kakashi mumbled. "Show him, Naruto."

Iruka tilted his head, curiosity squirming in his belly. It must be good to make Sakura giggle like that.

"Jyan!" Naruto held up what looked like leaves and white berries.

"More plants?" Iruka frowned. His home was getting rather green as of late.

"Maa, sensei. These are fun," Kakashi chided, plucking the plant from Naruto.

Iruka's alarms should have pinged at that, but unfortunately they seemed to have taken a long vacation. Kakashi's eye arched in a way that was far from innocent.

"Fun? In what way?" Iruka tilted his head and reached for the plants, frowning as the jounin yanked the plant back.

"Uh-uh. This is called 'mistletoe'," Kakashi teased. "It's good for making Sakura blush."

"Hey!" Sakura blurted out, blushing harder.

"Okay... But how is that?" Iruka was _very_ confused.

"Like this!" Kakashi tossed the plant into the air.

All Iruka knew was that Kakashi was suddenly far too close for comfort and that he was frozen in his seat, breath hitched in his chest as the soft brush of masked lips pressed to his cheek. Kakashi backed up, holding his hands in front of him innocently. His smile grew noticeably as Iruka's face turned a bright red. He waved his hands and uttered a playful "Ja!" before disappearing in a cloud of smoke and berries.

Iruka gaped, mouth opening and closing in disbelief. Something landed on his head and he instinctively clapped a hand over it to keep it from falling. His fingers met leaf and berry and he slowly dragged the mistletoe down in front of him, blinking dumbly. Naruto stumbled back and landed on his rear before bursting out in helpless laughter. Sakura's blush looked terminal as she slumped weakly to her knees, unable to meet her teacher's eyes. Sasuke snorted, muttering under his breath.

"About time."

Iruka's head snapped to face Sasuke and his mouth snapped shut. Iruka's eyes narrowed and he struggled to stand, tiny Kakashi-doll clenched in his fist. He snarled and Naruto cringed, crawling behind his teammates for protection. Somewhere, Izumo and Kotetsu cowered under a desk, a feeling of imminent doom washing over them for an unknown reason.

"KAKASHIIIIIIIIIIIII!"

* * *

**NOTES**

Fortunes tend to be sealed when you receive them and sometimes people open them at a specific time for luck. There are different categories written on each fortune and will detail your overall fortune for the year. If you get one you don't like, you can donate them back to the shrine or temple and pick a new fortune but fortunes tend to fall along the same lines when you re-pick them. You can wait a month and try again. They also tend to be _really_ accurate.

You can also pick fortunes for individual categories if you're not interested in an overall outlook.


	13. You're a Mean One, Mr Grinch

BONUS DAY THIRTEEN!

So.. this was way more fun than I thought [while writing it]. Maybe I'll write more one day.. Maybe not?

Title :: You're a Mean One, Iruka-sensei  
Rating :: PG-13 [for teh smooches! FINALLY!]  
Summary :: Iruka gets Kakashi back for the mistletoe trick.

* * *

Kakashi sighed a little, shifting uncomfortably at his perch up in the tree. He'd settled on an odd knot in the cradle of the branch node and the trunk but didn't want to draw attention to himself by moving from his spot. It had taken him long enough to find a place no one would look so he could hide—be stealthy. He wasn't hiding. He was just being really stealthy.

Today was the first day the Academy was back in session after New Years break and the brats were swarming the village like Jiraiya clones at a hot springs. It was madness. He also thought that someone might have been siccing them on him because he'd found himself dodging clumsy, non-lethal, _annoying_ traps all day.

The first one had been amusing. He hadn't known a frog could be inflated in _quite_ that way and hadn't stuck around to see the consequences of the caltrops that had been added to that odd equation. Fun fact: the recently-dropped baby teeth of little brothers and sisters seemed to make somewhat decent caltrops—if you were barefoot and a total _wuss_. Let it be known that Konoha's Copy-Nin was most certainly _not_ a wuss. He had just been startled, that's all. He certainly hadn't expected _teeth_ to be glued to the _tree_ he liked to sit in.

The bamboo pit-trap hadn't been so fun, especially considering the fact that the bamboo had not only been cut at sharp angles, but it had been cut _badly_ and arranged _badly_ so that he'd found himself tripping on long splinters and bamboo pipes that he couldn't quite contort his legs enough to avoid—at least not when poorly balanced log hammers were swinging at his head. He made a mental note to challenge Gai with it one day. It would make an excellent training exercise.

It was when an Inuzuka brat had tried to scent mark him as Hyuuga Hiashi's prodigal brat tracked his movements through the trees with her Byakugan that it had all stopped being fun. His _Icha Icha Undercover_ had almost taken damage! Jiraiya had only produced a limited run of his spy and infiltration themed series and every copy was more valuable than a normal _Icha Icha_ book.

Kakashi had signaled the end to his participation in that particularly vicious game of Tag-and-Ambush by modifying a Suiton Daibakufu no Jutsu and exploding paint all over his pursuers. He snickered to himself at the thought of Iruka's face when he saw his students after midday break. He thought the rainbow of paint vomit had actually proven quite festive. It brightened up the dreary, muddied village scene anyhow. Spring was supposed to be bright, right? Who cared that it was technically still winter. Time waits for no man!

He'd actually taken a moment to admire his handiwork before a distinctive green whirlwind had sent him running, escaping mere moments before Gai had exploded onto the scene with his customary shout of "Dynamic Entry" and hurricane of leaf litter. His sobs of joy at seeing the "youthful display of colors" the Academy students now wore echoed through the village and spurred Kakashi on. There was no way Iruka hadn't heard that and wouldn't be investigating exactly _what_ it was that had made his students so "youthful" and "colorful" during the break.

He'd actually initially taken refuge in Iruka's house without thinking about it, then had abandoned his sanctuary after realizing the sheer _stupidity_ of that decision as Iruka's own house was one of the first places he'd go at the end of the day. He'd bid a sad farewell to Ukki-san and Shisha-kun, promising he'd look after them as a ghost as he would surely be deceased within a few hours if Iruka had anything to do with it. His beloved children—plants—had drooped in sympathy and had waved him a rather vigorous good-bye as he'd left out the window, being extra careful to wipe off the mud he'd accidentally scuffed onto the windowsill. Just because he was going to die, didn't mean it had to be _torturous_.

In a fit of boredom—and loneliness, though he'd never admit it—Kakashi summoned Pakkun. The grouchy dog took one look at the jounin and disappeared again. Kakashi frowned, growling slightly at his dog's dismissal and summoned him again, making sure to grab hold of Pakkun's vest as soon as he appeared.

"You look like hell," the pug deadpanned, blunt and unapologetic. Kakashi instinctively scrubbed at his hair. Had he gotten paint on it?

"You are covered in dirt and leaves and you look like you haven't slept indoors for days. What did you do now," Pakkun accused, eyes slitted. Kakashi sighed, suddenly finding the leaves on the neighboring tree _very_ interesting.

"Why does everyone always think I've done something wrong," the jounin whined.

"It's because you normally _have_," the dog snorted, unfazed.

"I didn't _do_ anything," Kakashi pouted, frowning as he felt Pakkun gathering his chakra to return home. He tightened his grip on the dog's vest.

"Okay, so maybe—I'm not saying that it did or anything—but maybe something happened..." Kakashi hemmed and hawed.

Pakkun stared and said nothing, chakra tightening further. Kakashi kept a death grip on the vest, tugging the dog closer.

"And..." He inspected a red leaf on the tree for a moment, suddenly _fascinated_ by the dark spots on it. Pakkun shifted and Kakashi pulled the vest harder. "And I might have found The Line and crossed it."

Pakkun stared, still silent.

"Okay, trampled it."

Pakkun stared for a few moments more then disappeared in a puff of smoke leaving Kakashi grabbing at air and swearing profusely. A heartbeat later and Bisuke appeared in his place, eyes huge and sad.

"Need a hug?"

Kakashi tried to kick the small dog out of the tree, growling at his insolence. Guruko appeared behind him, snickering.

"Or a snuggle buddy," the dog yapped, dodging as Kakashi tried to push him off the branch.

"It's puppy love," Bisuke called out, jumping back as the jounin tried to poke him with a branch.

"It's something, all right!" Guruko snickered as Kakashi shoved him off the branch, falling face-first into a pile of leaves and taking a bird's nest with him.

"It's not like that," Kakashi whined, leaping away from the tree, suddenly feeling _hunted_.

"Our little boy's growing up," Bisuke teased, pinballing in front of him, bouncing off tree branches.

"How cute," Guruko chimed in, shaking off leaves as he joined the chase. He snapped his jaws in a poor imitation of a kiss. "Smooch, smooch!"

Kakashi growled, pushing both his dogs away as he sent himself somewhere far away. Their howls of laughter echoed through the forest behind him, chasing him over the distance.

A bright orange blur whipped at his head and he instinctively ducked and blocked the follow-up punch Gai aimed at his face. The exuberant jounin grinned broadly and Kakashi had a bare moment to evade the paint-filled balloon that came next.

"Play fair," he yelped, exchanging positions with a now brilliantly orange tanuki statue.

"It wouldn't be very ninja of me, would it," Gai called back. "So tell me why you look like such a mess!"

Kakashi faltered, barely managing to dodge the bright pink paint balloon that rocketed towards his knee. Time for evasive action! He pulled a piece of candy from his pocket and threw it at the jounin who halted his assault to pounce on the unhealthy thing, shouting all the reasons to avoid sweets. Kakashi took the opportunity to disappear again.

This time he appeared on his own rooftop, twitching and frantically casting about for pursuers. He'd been avoiding his home all day and hadn't even gone back when he'd run away—executed evasive maneuvers, not run away—from Iruka's house the day before. The place was mostly empty anyhow.

The rustling of leaves from the trees across the street had him flinching and on edge. He decided that discretion was the better part of valor—or self-preservation. Something like that—and dropped onto the shelf of roofing that ran along the wall of the building. He carefully slid open his window and ducked inside, melting into the gloom.

The empty feeling in his house made him sigh. He hadn't been home in _days_ and most of his stuff was at Iruka's house now. It felt _right_ there, cozy too. He supposed he'd have to go back and get his things soon. He shuffled through the gloom, dodging obstacles that were no longer there. He skirted around a kotatsu that wasn't taking up his living room, hopping over a pile of blankets that weren't strewn across the floor. He avoided looking into a hall mirror that wasn't hanging on the wall. He put his hand on the wall and felt for the light switch, frowning when he couldn't find it. He sighed again when he realized it was on the _opposite_ side of the doorway. It was on this side at Iruka's house.

The lights seemed to twitch, then flickered on with a watery whiteness that hurt. He found himself staring at a blank wall where a cute drawing by an adoring Academy brat would have been had it been Iruka's house. He twitched at that, turning and freezing, retreating and finding himself trapped against the wall.

Ukki-kun waved at him from across the room. He waved back numbly. At the plant's side, Shisha-kun waved as well, a tiny acupressure doll that looked suspiciously like himself hanging from its upper branches, bound and gagged in tiny strips of cloth and chakra wire. A nervous shiver worked its way up his spine and nested at the base of his neck, making his hair stand even more on end. He cast a quick assessing glance around the room, self-preservation senses tingling.

Nothing _seemed_ out of place, but Iruka was _crafty_ and was far more skilled than anyone would believe. The man was a _menace_.

Carefully, so as not to alert the plants to anything suspicious, Kakashi pushed his hitai-ate up with a finger, Sharingan whirling with a vengeance. The room lit up with brilliant threads of chakra weaving into carpets and lying over everything, clustering and bundling at various points in the room. The knots of chakra were so intricate that he couldn't see what they were covering, wasn't sure he wanted to know.

"All right, come out," he called out bravely. "I know you're there. I'm sorry for yesterday. We don't have to be violent about it."

Something tingled at his left and he moved automatically, nearly tripping as ropes whipped out to catch his ankles. He kicked off the wall, tumbled and twisted his torso between another series of ropes that sprung free of their catchment. He whirled as he felt something coming, ducking as a foot nearly connected with his head. He managed to block the elbow that rammed against his ribcage and took a fist to his stomach for the effort. He grunted, wrapping his hands around the arm attached and throwing his attacker across the room.

Iruka grinned ferally before disappearing in a puff of smoke. Kakashi growled, leaping away as the floorboards dissolved into a strange swirling goo that looked a lot like snot. He groaned, _really_ disgusted but completely impressed. He countered with an earth jutsu that covered the snot bog with a layer of cracked earth, grinning in accomplishment before somersaulting away from a sudden barrage of kunai.

He dug around in his weapons pouch and happened upon a paint bomb he'd lifted when Gai had initially attacked him and slammed it right in Iruka's face, grimacing as that Iruka melted into water. Iruka retaliated by throwing a toilet brush at him, responding with a grimace of his own as Kakashi crumbled to dust. He barely managed to avoid the mochiko bomb that came next.

Kakashi hadn't realized he'd been herded until Iruka lunged at him—at his face to be more precise—hands bare and grasping greedily at air. He'd leaned back out of reach and found himself falling, knees hooked by wire strung across the doorway. He tumbled back, doom at the forefront of his mind as he felt fingers clutching at his mask. He reared back, eyes wide with surprise.

Iruka loomed and yanked the mask down.

Kakashi closed his eyes; defeated.

Hot lips crashed against his and his eyes flew open in surprise, hands flailing at nothing before settling at Iruka's waist, clenching tight in the fabric of his vest. What on earth? Iruka glared at him in open challenge and he smirked in response, pushing back, still undefeated.

They grappled in the hallway, shoving at each other's shoulders and kicking as legs got in the way, sliding across the dusty floorboards until Kakashi's back met the wall. He grunted as he met the obstacle, turning his defense into an offense and caging the chuunin in his arms. Iruka's lips opened under his—probably to say something cheeky and mood breaking—and Kakashi took full advantage, sliding his tongue in as an opening parry.

Iruka grumbled under his breath, prying open the zipper to the jounin's vest so he could reach his vulnerable stomach. He pulled his fist back, most likely to land a punch, when Kakashi did _something_ with his tongue that made him moan. He leaned in instead, fingers twisting in the jounin's shirt.

Kakashi pressed his hands against Iruka back, frowned and patted at the thick fabric somewhat frantically, then fumbled for the front of the vest, struggling to free the chuunin from his outerwear. Iruka snickered slightly, choking off into a moan as the jounin's fingers slid up his back, arching into his touch.

Kakashi was lost in a world of sensations as he mapped out silky flesh with his sensitive fingertips, reveling at the fingers tangled in his hair. His lips _hurt_ from being over-sensitized but he couldn't bring himself to care, to even move away. He felt Iruka's firm body pressed against his and nothing had ever felt so _right_.

Tentative hands danced along the hem of his shirt and he arched up in greedy assent. He opened his mouth more and then—

"Well, it looks like they worked everything out," Asuma's amused voice broke through the fog. Iruka froze. Kakashi paused, then sighed softly, utterly defeated.

"See, I told you he wouldn't kill him," Kurenai chimed in. Kakashi slowly slid a glance down the hallway to the gaping front door and blanched. He ducked his head and yanked up his mask, replacing his arms to their previous position so quickly and smoothly it looked like his mask had just jutsued itself back on.

"I-I-I..." Sakura's mindless babble sealed the humiliation as the girl sank the floor, blood running freely from her nose. Naruto sat on the ground, eyes round and huge, mouth moving but not saying anything. Sasuke's smug smirk was the worst of all.

Iruka burrowed into Kakashi's arms, visibly humiliated. He mumbled something that the jounin had to lean in to hear.

"_At least I can say I'm the better kisser_."

* * *

**Omake Theatre**

"How can you wear your boots in the house! Iruka-sensei, you always scold me about that," Naruto screeched. Kurenai and Asuma stumbled a bit.

"Kid. _That's_ what's bothering you," Asuma muttered as he scratched at his head.

"Oh gods. It's not what it looks like," Iruka protested, trying to push Kakashi away as the jounin tried to snuggle against his stomach. "_Stop that_," he hissed under his breath.

"I have been gloriously defeated in the youthful pursuit of love," Gai loudly proclaimed, surprising them all with his sudden appearance in the doorway. Ebisu hovered at his side looking absolutely _crushed_.

* * *

**NOTES**  
Suiton: Daibakufu no Jutsu (Water Release: Great Waterfall Technique)


End file.
